I pictured me bing in my 4th tour of duty, meanwhile the closest I ever got to being a soldier was renting Call of Duty for Xbox 360. Anyway, here I am on the FOB, that's Jarhead jargon for Forward Operating Base. What the hell would my story be like about befriending BF in Iraq when getting home, talking about it on the military channel?? I can be sure of one thing, it wouldn't at all resemble the beautiful lullaby that Gunnery Sergeant Slaughter yapped about. It would likely go something like so:
"Well one day after patrol, we went back to base, and from that day forward me and the other troops started realizing that every one of the base's couches had a hole the size of a football in them, and stuffing was missing. Huh? Yup, stuffing. So we thought maybe we had rats or something and put down traps to get rid of them. For the next 3 nights we would here one of the traps go SNAP!! and then we would see this thing, which strangely resembled a loaf of pumpernickel bread actually, dart across the room. We were all pretty scared silly, because we had no idea what could be that quick, and most of all, what the hell on earth looked like a loaf of pumpernickel bread. Secondly, I hate Pumpernickel!!
Anyway, after a day or so of SNAPS and darts, one of the troops said in the corner, "Oh my GOD!! It's a bunny!" We all put our M-16's down for a sec and we went over to have a look see. We all cooed and aahhhd, then one of the troops said, "Damn, I hate to be negative in the middle of a war zone, but it sure is an ugly bunny!" I pimp smacked him upside the head, and told him he was hurting the poor thing's feelings. The bunny, who I decided to name Baby Fwan after my third cousin by marriage, was cowering under one of the beds. We eventually moved every single piece of furniture out of the room that she could hide under. Then she just stared at us, she was actually frowning and looked terribly pissed off. But what was I gonna do, leave Baby Fwan in this hellhole of the earth named Iraq? Nah, not me. One of the troops, Staff Sergeant Weinershnitzel, decided he would try and pick her up. Fast forward 12 hours later, we are at the surgery wing of the field hospital, where the Staff Sgt. was undergoing plastic surgery after being nearly scalped by the big bunny. Poor guy, who knew rabbits hated being picked up? Well, one thing is for sure, the Staff Sgt. knew damn well now.
So we went to the Battle of Fallujah, and the whole time we heard that Baby Fwan was begging the Iraqi insurgents to "take me away from these people", we were very upset about that. We decided she needed to be caged. After listening to her incessant thumping all night, we put her on a cargo plane bound for the states. I heard the whole time she refused to use the litter box and the luggage section of the plane was all torn up because she found her way into crew's luggage. What a mess. The best thing was when I finally got home after my tour, Baby Fwan was waiting for me with open paws, okay she was actually sleeping under my mom's couch but whatever, at least she is home now. What a great tale of love and hate right?"
Sure, isn't the same story as the dogs is it?