The Bun Life - Wabbits!!!

I wanted to vacuum my apartment yesterday. Sounds simple right? Ask any non-bunny person what they have to do to vacuum their apartment, they will just say, "Get out the vac, and go!" Yup, but not us, at least not me, not when you're life is controlled by a Pumpernickel Princess and her Evil White Knight. Anyway, they were under the couch when I got out the vac (huge shocker there), so I thought maybe I could just run the vac for a little bit before they came out. You see, Thumper is a certified electrician of the highest order, he likes to "fix" the vacuum wire (remember this?).

I had to vacuum no matter what, there was 12 inches of white and pumpernickel hair lining the entire apartment. If I was a weaver I would never have to leave the house for supplies, I could sell my own pumpernickel clothing line on Ebay. I could see it now, Pumpernickel Painter's Jeans by Baby Fwan of NY. Anyway, I start the vacuum up, and before i could even lift my foot to start vacuuming, the two fat wabbits came charging out from under the couch. Of course they run right to the vacuum, of which I have wound up the wire to by now. They chin the vacuum for 20 minutes, just in case any local intruding bunnies decide they want to claim the vacuum as their own, Thumper goes around back to make sure all the wiring is "fixed" but is quickly disappointed. Then they lay right in the middle of the room. Okay, uh uh, not happening. I am vacuuming, and this big fat Tumpie rabbits and Pumpernickel loaf are going to hang out in there cage while i do it.

I now have to somehow get these two into their crate, which is an extra large puppy pen, so it is not like a bunny burrito or anything. Thumper is the easy one, he has rocks in his head and can basically be convinced of anything at any time. I take a piece of carrot and lead him in there, he walks right in and I close the jail cell on him. If looks could kill I would be dead, he looked at me as if I was abandoning my only son in a foreign jail. "Come on! It's only for a minute Thumps!" Then he lived up to his name, a whole array of different thumps echoed throughout the apartment. I try to calm his thumping but he is pissed, oh well, tough rumpus. Then I had to get Baby Fwan into there too, this is a whole other matter, Baby Fwan is an ex-running back for the San Francisco Forty-Bunners, and she has not lost her moves I tell you. I finally, after 20 minutes, trap her and pick her up into my arms. I love holding my Baby Fwan, if only for 27 seconds. I put her in the cage with dopey, and close the door, then set off to vacuum. All is good right? I mean they are bonded tightly, right? I mean, it's not like there will be any problems, right? I wish.

I forgot to tell you what else Thumper is, a TOTAL bully. He pushes everyone around like he is the big fat kid on the playground. He even pushes me around! He stole my lunch money last Friday, I am really embarrassed about that, but that is another issue. When I go to feed them every morning, Thumper charges her while I am getting the food ready, he doesn't want her to have ANY, especially carrots. Anyway, in the cage I hear some ruckus, I see Thumper face humping poor Frannie. You know, I don't care what species you are, even human, face humping is an extremely intimate act that should be excised sparingly. Thumps doesn't get that part, that is his "handshake" with other bunnies, especially FEMALE bunnies. It's almost like he is this big fat pimp with a white mink coat on walking down 42nd street. Then he sees one of his ho's, I mean doe's, and "where my money (carrots)??" Then once she doesn't hand it over, on with the face humping. Not right Thumpus rumpus, not right.

So poor Fran starts running around the cage, in circles, to get away from the crazed Pimp Thumpus, and they start doing the circling thing, which all of us bunny people know is a prelude to biting and fur stripping, some people call it barbering but one time I saw Sydney snipping Frannie's bangs with a barber's scissor, so I kind of have a new meaning for the word barbering around here. BF and TR are going about 900 mph in circles, I almost was gonna put a little box of chocolate milk in the middle and see if the fat separates from the water like in the high-school biology centrifuge experiment, that's how fast they were going. So again I had to stop the vac, and release Frannie from the cage. I kept the pimp in the cage to cool his jets, and poor Fran ran under the couch, which really shocked me since she hardly ever goes under there.

Then I vacuumed, Frannie popped out a few times to make her position known to the vacuum. I couldn't help myself, I came towards her with the vacuum a few times :) She did her popcorn binkies to pop away from me, then went right back under the couch. What a day.

The Bun Life - Rosetta Bun, and other Goings On

Been about a week since I last posted, sorry, I have been real busy doing absolutely nothing. Actually, I have been busy really, I have been power juicing, after a good friend of mine recommended it, and I have really noticed the differences. I see the guy Jack Lalanne (spelling?) on TV juicing everything but the kitchen sink, and he is like 275 years old last time I checked, got me convinced. Anyway, it comes with a book of all kinds of different juice recipes, it lists the fruits and veggies you need to put in.

Strange thing happened the other day though, I went to grab the book and it was GONE, I couldn't find it anywhere. Then a day later the book suddenly reappeared back on the counter. It had a bite mark, of two buck teeth, on the top right corner, and it appears a page had been added. It was real obvious that it was added recently, it was all taped in. Anyway it had a new recipe in it, the drink was called, "Pumpernickel Passion" and the ingredients were as follows:

6 barrels of fresh carrots (the kind Bambi eats)
2 Bananas
6 more barrels of carrots
A few more carrots
Oh, did I mention carrots??
3 "sprigs" of couch stuffing

Gee, my first thought, obviously, was, "What the hell is a sprig?" Anyway, I have no idea who could have put this recipe in there, do you?? Pumpernickel Passion, jesus Baby Fwan, could you make it anymore obvious? Anyway. I am not making that stupid drink anyway. I have something more incredible (and just as meaningless) to tell you.

Ever see that commercial on TV for Rosetta Stone? Software that teaches you any language you want to learn from home? Well, I found out that Baby Fwan has learned Spanish in her spare time! I know, like you, the first thing I thought was, "How do you say Pumpernickel in Spanish?" I really don't know. Maybe, El Pumpernickel, or Los Pumpernickelos, or La Pumpernickela? Anyway, so Baby Fwan speaks Spanish now. I am jealous because now she is the only one that can communicate with the landscapers now. She is probably telling them to stuff her in a leaf bucket on the down low.

Well, the good thing is that Frannie knows how to tell me, in Spanish, that she is going to the Library, that the teacher is very nice, the car is very big, and her perm was $200.00. That info might save her life one day.

Now that we are on the topic of the military (we are?), I saw a show on TV called War Dogs, not the same one as before, but one from World War II. They talk about how the dogs had helped weed out the Japanese dug into the island tunnels and stuff, very brave stuff. I wonder how bunnies would have fit into that whole "service for the country" thing? I can see Baby Fwan, the night before being shipped out to Okinawa, asking everyone else "Do Japanese people like to pick up bunnies?" She won't care about the tanks and bullets, or even the War Dogs, just wants to know if anyone is gonna pick her up.

Bunnies, what would we do without them?

The Bun Life - Officially Warned

I received an email from someone in one of the rabbit groups in NY. She told me that the pictures of Frannie on the couch were not funny, she could die from eating couch stuffing, and my captions are not funny, and that I should consider that an "Official Warning". Okay, after about 35 minutes of straight laughing my @$$ off, my mind started to wander.

Since the warning came in an "official" capacity, I assume there is some kind of elite special forces unit on call that can be anywhere in the world with 24 hours notice. Kind of like the Delta Force, but for rabbit law enforcement. I could see them getting a page from their commander, who might be stationed at Fort Petco or some stupid thing. The page would read something like this:

"Emergency Warrant Issued. Suspect has fat pumpernickel bunny ingesting couch stuffing at a phenomenal rate. Mission is to rescue fat pumpernickel bunny, couch, and if there is time, the white bunny (so that fat pumpernickel bunny doesn't get "lonely"). Use of deadly force is authorized, only on suspect though, not on fat pumpernickel bunny. God speed gentlemen."

I could just see it now. 3 AM and all is asleep here. Then the bunny special forces crash through my door. Tearing the place up looking for the bunnies. Little do they know that they are under the couch though. Maybe I pull a weapon and start to put up a fight, then they have to retreat, form a perimeter, and start negotiations. I will keep my buns as hostages. The negotiator will say after a while, "Is there anything you guys need in there" as a way to start negotiations. Yeah, we need 50 pound bag of hay, 6 pound bag of pellets, 3 bags of care fresh, 100 mini carrots, 14 bags of couch stuffing from Bed Bath and Beyond, 27 heads of romaine lettuce, 4 bushels (is that a word?) of Basil, 2 gaggles of geese, and 4 apples. The negotiator would be like, "Okay, give us about a week, we just have to rent an 18 wheeler to get all this crap. They likely would just bomb the place to save themselves the hassle. LOL. I can just see them talking to each other, "Man, who knew you had to buy that much crap to take care of a few bunnies??"

Too funny, just for the record though, Franny can't get on my couch anymore, and when she did she never ate any stuffing, she just pulls it out. Not that it is anyone's business what my bunnies do anyway, but just in case anyone is curious.

The Bun Life - Gymnist Bunny

Well instead of writing any more depressing crap, I figured I would tell you what I did with Syd. Now that Fuzzy's side of the room is vacant, I decided that I could fence off the computer area and let Syd be free range where he can go on the bed, around the room, and stuff like that. Well, I set it up and let him out, then sat at my desk to work. The whole time I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye doing leaps, somersalts onto the bed, triple flips (okay thats a lie), and he even went onto the uneven parallel bars for a minute, great landing too. He is now ultra psycho crazy bunny. What a nutjob! I almost pee my pants watching him enjoying the heck out of running around again. I wanted something positive to come out of this, and now with Syd being free it has. BTW, he is perfectly litter trained, he NEVER pees or poops anywhere but the box, pretty amazing actually.

The Bun Life - R.I.P. Fuzzby

My poor Fuzz was put to sleep tonight at Catnip and Carrots. I got home last night and saw that she looked worse than usual. I brought her to the vet and the Doc said she has some kind of cancer, then she euthanized her with me right there holding her head. I have never lost a bun or put an animal to sleep before. It is absolutely horrible and extremely painful. I practically had a stroke in the vet's office I was so upset, now I am numb.

I just want to tell Fuzzby that I love you and hope you are in heaven running around with no more pain. I am sorry humanity is 95% worthless and only care about houses, money, and cars, and neglect and abuse animals that need them. The other 5% do what we can to make up for it, but we can't be everywhere all the time, and I hope that you are going to a much better place.

Thanks Fuzzby for being in my life, even though your stay with me was full of medical crap. If I knew all this back then I would still have taken you in. Rest in peace Fuzzles.


The Bun Life - Off-Topic Jim Update

Hello my rabbit friends, and bun life readers, I write to you with a heavy heart tonight from Stony Brook Hospital in NY. I came in 5 days ago or so with what I thought was just a swollen liver from taking Lipitor. I found I was right about the liver but they also caught the bottom of my lung with a abdominal CT scan and found a small nodule on my lung. First they told me it was likely tuberculosis. Nice huh? So they had to quarantine me in isolation room here for 4 days while they test sputum and PPD. Well, I don't have TB but they did another CT, a full chest CT, and found 2 more nodules, they are on both lungs. The pulmonologist says it doesn't look like cancer because it is fluffy and not solid, cancer is not like that usually. Of course though, nothing is certain. The original plan before I started typing this was to run blood cultures, run tests for infections, then bronchoscopy, then last resort lung biopsy, which is big time.

The pulmonologist has come into my room here just minutes ago, he has been talking with his colleagues all night evidently, and they now say they don't think they should take the ultra aggressive approach, and that they think it might be a kind of pneumonia. So they are juicing me now with antiobiotics for 14 days. After they get the cultures and tests back (which they are doing tonight) they will send me home on the ab's then CT again in 14 days. They are setting me up in their pulmonary clinic here so I can just show up if things get worse.

I miss talking with all of you, and I miss my dearest bunnies, whom I love. My poor sister is in cardiac ICU tonight at same hospital with heart problems, I have been walking down to see her. My parents have been a godsend and my Dad has taken care of the buns, he has gone totally out of his way (at age 65 with diabetes and leg problems) to do everything Baby Fwan has demanded. I don't deserve such amazing parents. Noone I know has parents like I do, and I am eternally grateful. I now have laptop but work laptop wont work with VPN unfort. I will update Bun Life as much as possible because Baby Fwan's antics are of course, top priority above any and all health issues. My darling Baby Fwan probably thinks her wishing has finally come true, I have vanished!!! In honor of her, I have requested all my eggs be served on pumpernickel bread. I am such a symbolist.

Thank you for reading my antics and welcoming BF into your heart. Will be posting soon. :)