The Bun Life - Thinking of Getting a Bunny? Wondering What It's Like Owning One? Read This.

If you are pondering the adoption of a member of the Lagomorph species, also known in certain parts of the world as a "bunny", then one of your nagging questions is likely to be "What is it like owning a bunny?" Well, even if it isn't, I don't care because I am answering it anyway okay?! Now you have to remember, I am a mid-thirties heterosexual single white guy who works from home, and I live with 3 bunnies, a bonded pair of Lops, one albino and one pumpernickel (don't ask), and a single dwarf-mix. Therefore, any of my viewpoints should be considered with this in mind.

Collectively, most bunny owners are women, I know this from experience in rescue along with doing many "home visits" to screen potential adopters. Not once did I meet someone like me, some might consider this a good thing, namely Frannie, but that is neither here nor there. Also, nearly everyone in rescue or rabbit enthusiast events that I meet are also women, I've only met a couple men in these circles and actually found them all to be just like me in terms of sensitivity towards animals and things in general. My friend Chris, Lori's husband, is this way, and I think it is great; if everyone was, then the world would be a much better place.

So, what I am trying to get at, is if you are anything like me or the people I have explained above, then you are likely to have the following experiences and observations when adopting a bunny for the first time. Obviously, all bunnies are a little different, but I will mention stuff that applies to all mostly.

For the first few weeks, unless they exhibit extremely destructive, aggressive behavior, your heart will likely melt every time they do ANYTHING, such as play running, bunny flops (where they all of a sudden drop and roll like they got shot and play dead), binkying (playfully hopping and either clicking their heels together or shooting their legs straight out in happiness), grooming themselves, grooming you (this means they really love you, or your cologne or perfume contains timothy hay protein), and just about anything else.

They are as CURIOUS as any living thing you'll ever meet. Take any object, put it in their area, and walk away. I guarantee you, it is only a matter of seconds before they are right on it, checking it out, they rub their whiskers (yes, bunny whiskers are real, they use them for measuring the width of openings, just like cats do) on it, then they leave their scent on it by rubbing their chin on it, they have a scent gland in their chin that emits their identifying scent when they rub it on something. Not only are they checking it out, and marking it; they are also mapping it in their minds. Why? Every bunny memorizes at least 2 different exit routes in any space. This helps them escape predators, they are at the bottom of the food chain and are natural prey animals, therefore are instinctively suspicious of everything and everyone. Watch when they are spooked, they run one of these routes with incredible speed and precision, missing objects by centimeters with ease. As a matter of fact, when you want to catch your bunny, you can use this knowledge to your advantage. For example, by placing gates or boxes along the path of these routes to block them in, learn all the routes and you can easily trip them up. Pretty sadistic huh? lol.

Like I always say, bunnies will run first and ask questions later, especially if they see other bunnies running. In their minds, the element of danger is just the same as if they were on the African Savannah plains. Just because you house them safe in your home, where nothing will likely ever happen to them, doesn't have much of an effect (if at all) on their level of cautiousness. They will get comfortable, but not complacent, so be ready for a lot of "false alarms" where your bunny will thump for absolutely no reason, at least to you there is no reason for it, but to them it is serious business. The more you accept and learn about this part of the bunny psyche, the better off both of you will be, you won't be scratching your head when they do something strange, because it won't be strange anymore, you'll totally understand. After a while, you'll even find these behaviors very humorous, because you can read their minds.

You'll figure out that the better you care for your bunny, the more their personality will blossom. Again, it isn't complacency, but a relaxation of inhibitions on the part of the bunny. When everything is just the way the bunny likes it, there is more time and energy for playing and just being silly or obsessive about non-serious situations. Once you notice this, you'll respond by taking even better care of your bunny, if possible (and according to bunnies, it is ALWAYS possible to be treated better), then you will find that, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you woke up one morning and your bunny has become....a spoiled rotten little conceded pretentious brat. And just like the good bunny slave that you are, you'll celebrate the transformation! You'll go on the web and tell all of your friends, excitedly, that Mr. Buns no longer accepts anything less than imported French Alpine water from the glaciers of the north. The other sheep, I mean slaves, will nod and laugh, and tell you how their bunny does the same thing. Then you'll upload videos of you building all kinds of crazy stuff for your bunny to reside or play in, then your bunny slave friends will give you pointers on how to improve it to maximize the bunny's benefit from the whole project. Then you might have fleeting moments where you wonder, what does this bunny do for me again? You won't be able to answer that, because the answer is NOTHING!! And the funny thing is, you'll be happy about that! You'll tell the other slaves about it and they will send you virtual bunny hugs, nomies, or whatever the heck else, and applaud your mental imprisonment via bunny. Are you starting to see just how bunnies are planning to take over the world? Forget false flag CIA conspiracies, the great bunny takeover is in full swing and we are gladly towing the line!

Overall, if you embrace bunny ownership, it can bring you great joy and companionship, they have a way of being there when you need someone to talk to that doesn't talk back. When grieving, bunnies are great to ease your pain. Treat them right, and you will be adopting a new family member, not a pet. The End.

The Bun Life - No TV Dinner, But Something Better

Well, the impossible finally happened. I know nobody will believe this, but tonight I actually watched TV with Baby Fwan! Just like I do with Sydney, but less time, about ten full minutes. At first she freaked out when I laid her on the couch next to me. Of course, she looked for the nearest cliff to dive off of, with me holding her like a Fwan-in-the-Blanket appetizer next to me. She kept pulling that "if I could separate from my skin, I would" move until I just started stroking the top of her head while I bunched her up alongside me, and she eventually calmed down! If I hadn't moved around after about 10 minutes I bet she would have stayed there a lot longer. Before she could jump off, I put her back in her area so I ended it on a good note. I bet with some resistance training, we might be able to get through a whole episode of Cold Blood, that serial killer show.

Oh, I made a funny observation too. I was watching Frannie get groomed by Thumper, and how he kept getting further and further towards her, errr....ummm.... rumpus. At first, he would groom her eyelids, her ears, then her shoulders, then her ribs, and all I thought was "any minute now, and he will go for it, always does" but I was incredibly surprised and impressed by Frannie's intellect. She knows him so well, right before he is about to grab her and start humping her, she popcorns up and either backs up and make him start all over again (meaning she gets groomed again) or runs away entirely. He might give chase but she is faster and more agile than him, and of course he is pretty dumb so it doesn't take much for her to bamboozle him, lol. Bunny drama is so funny, if you weren't really watching closely and knew rabbits, you would miss all of it entirely, then you would have what they call "a life" hahahaha.

The Bun Life - Sydney, The Little Dwarf Rabbit Heating Pad/Pillow

The SYD1000 Model Heating Pad

I love all my bunnies equally, but each one has their own personality and characteristics that become my favorite thing about them. Thumper would be a great pillow, but he would likely shred me to pieces if I tried that. Frannie might make a good pillow, if you like sleeping with a pumpernickel bagel, I happen to not. Then we have little Sydney.

Sydney, when he is on the ground at your feet, is a psychotic individual, a bunny serial killer if there is such a thing. If you were a bunny, you wouldn't want to live next to him, and would want him on the Nutcase Registry. He wouldn't be able to live within 100 miles of a bunny school.

As you know though, when you pick him up and sit him on your lap, or just hold him, he becomes Little Orphan Bunny, licks you to death, and is just an all around cutie. What I have been doing lately is sitting him on my lap, watching TV. He does that for a good hour, then starts to get a little fidgety, so I let him walk around on the other side of the couch/love-seat, I just use my arm to block him when he starts getting froggie wanting to jump off the couch. I laugh because every time I block him he grunts and whimpers to himself (but surprisingly never bites). I know he is saying to himself, "Oh come on! Why can't I just jump down??" Like a little kid throwing a tantrum.

To stop him from getting all crazy, I cuddle him and just rest my head on him. I don't put any weight on him or anything, I am real careful about that. Then, I noticed that he happens to find that very comforting, as most bunnies love the stuffed in a can feeling, it makes them feel safer. I know this because he has now started falling asleep when I do it! LOL. Tonight I did it and he was out like a light. I swear, he is the best heating pad ever! Maybe I can modify the position to soothe my trapezoid muscles? lol. Is it wrong for me to use little squibs as a small appliance? Talk about adorable, GOD I have the best bunnies, nah nah nah.. nah.. na na!

The Bun Life - Get Well Mr. B

Been a little bit since I posted last, been very busy lately, Frannie finally got her disability check and is pricing out clown colleges in the Greater New York area. I always wondered, is there a Not-So Great New York Area, or maybe even the dreaded Sucky New York Area? What a stupid language English is sometimes. Park in a driveway and drive on a parkway, stupid right? I'd like everyone to take a knee really quick:

Mr. B and Monet (R.I.P.)

My friend Catherine, who is an Official Bun Life Groupie by the way, is worried sick over one of her bunnies Mr. B, an all black lop mix and a real cutie (loves to be pet on his side, at least he does by me :) ). He has been having problems on and off with sludge in his bladder, they think he might even have a UTI. She has been running him back and forth to the best vets in NYC, so she is doing all she can, so let's all pray that he gets better and bounces back. I know she loves him very much, as all of us do of our bunnies, so I am sure we all can relate. Also, it is her birthday (well, it was yesterday the 6th) so hopefully her and Mr. B can catch a birthday break as well.

If you are really feeling generous and kind, I am now accepting donations for Frannie's clown college fund starting today. Clown college is really expensive, they charge you 5 bucks per scarf they pull out of the clown hat, and you already know that those damn scarfs never seem to end! To donate money to Frannie's Fund, click here. Thanks, your generosity will surely go unnoticed!

The Bun Life - Frannie Feeling Under the Weather

Hey all. I woke up this morning and Frannie and Thumps were running circles waiting for the pellets as usual, and they both ate. However, I walked by the enclosure a few hours later, and Frannie was doing the loaf of bread pose in the litterbox. Right away, I knew something was off, I know my girl and she never does that. I handed her a carrot, and she didn't want it. Then I really got worried. I called my friend Catherine, we decided I could give her a little simethicone, which I gave her 1cc of. I then massaged her belly for a good hour, all the while Frannie looking at me, "Can you please just leave me alone already?" She was moving around after that, a little inactive, so I gave her some time to rest, maybe she was just full or something. Could have been a little gas bubble or something. I walked by them again earlier, and they were bouncing around, begging for a carrot, which they both ate one, so that made me feel a whole lot better, naturally :). I am just grateful she is not sick.

The Bun Life - New Column Debuts "Dear Baby Fwan," Issues Flying Off The News Stands!

We here at The Bun Life are so very excited to finally sign Dr. Baby Fwan Hippowitz (I really just mean Baby Fwan) to our staff. Baby Fwan will be authoring a column called "Dear Baby Fwan," which follows the same format as Dear Abbey and others like it. As a matter of fact, you are now reading the first installment. Each week, BF will answer 1 or more questions from viewers (or readers) that send in fan mail, email, or just start talking about us behind our back. So, without further a due (or is it 'a dew', 'adew', or even 'ah-doo'??) here is this week with DBF:

Fan Mail Question: "Dear Baby Fwan, I am hoping you can help. You are so knowledgeable, courageous, and an inspiration to us women, I read your column all the time. My problem is my husbun. He is a typical man, sleeps all day, leaves the lid up on the litterbox, and is downright aggressive at dinner time. He is a control freak also, he won't even let me leave our enclosure, he even put a large fence up around the whole thing made of metal! Isn't that bunny-napping or something? I feel unloved, I know that is typical of English lops, but I am trying not to be racist or judgmental. I tried to get a restraining order against him, but the courts said we were "bonded" and the clerk said I was "S-O-L" but I don't know what that even means. What should I do Baby Fwan??" Love always, Precious in Seattle


Baby Fwan Responds


Dear Precious,

Sorry to hear about your whatever, must be tough. How could you read my column all the time if this is the first one? Something tells me you're blowing smoke up my 'tocks. Anyway, honey you need to get your own identity. Ever hear the old saying, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything?" Me neither. Anyway, men are always going to be fat, lazy slobs who think about one thing and one thing only: yup, CARROTS! Ever hear the old proverb about the stick and the carrot? Me neither, but I hear it is pretty cool, and basically says you can get anybun to do anything by using a combination of punches and carrots. Pretty cool right? You have to get out of this relationship, maybe you could fake being barbered? Does he have any life insurance? Without knowing every detail it is hard for me to give you specific answers. I encourage you to write back to me again and divulge some of this stuff to me. Who knows, maybe we can run away together, somewhere where we are free to roam without getting picked up. Ahhh, a girl can dream can't she?

BF

The Bun Life - Tocks?!?!?!?!?

I was gallivanting through the whispering willows of my favorite bubbling Big Apple bunny blogs when I came across this picture of Sogna on Lisa's blog. Aside from it being the most adorable thing EVER, I was curious as to what in the world Tocks were. Well, even though I am horribly out of the loop and out of date on the latest hipster bunny lingo, (Banana Butts, Tocks, etc.) I realize Tocks are bunny toes, which reside on the feet of the bunny, which are also called Hocks, thus theoretically speaking the consonant letter T was fastidiously substituted for the consonant letter H in a feeble attempt to be hip and cool while showing extensive knowledge of the Lagomorph anatomy. Gosh, I hate it when people make things so complicated!

Anyway, what drew me to this subject, aside from the Bigfoot toes Sogna has, (you wouldn't believe how bad Sogna's feet were when she was rescued, even one of her Tocks had to be amputated.) was how weird Frannie's feet were. Incredibly, Frannie has webbed feet! Seriously, she has no toes, I'll have to get a good pic of them so you can see. I spoke with the Genetics professor at our local St. Joseph's College, even sent him a sample of Baby Fwan's hair for advanced DNA genetic profiling (not just the run of the mill genetic profiling, ADVANCED genetic profiling, which is way better, in fact the regular genetic profiling totally sucks!) and the results were astounding.

Actually, first he sent the sample back saying that there must have been some mistake because all that was in the tube was a piece of wire from a Brillo Pad, with a piece of Pumpernickel bagel on the end of it. I assured him that it was Frannie's hair, and that what he got was just a Frannie feather, so I sent it back and he analyzed it for me. He says that Frannie is 35% Duck!!?? That totally explains the webbed feet, maybe even the cowlick she gets! He also said the other 65% is a mixture of nearly every species on the planet. I still don't know where she gets the detachable ears from, but that might never be known definitively anyway. So Fran doesn't have Tocks, kind of sad actually in a way, but I am over it already. Uh oh, Frannie climbing on the ceiling again, gotta go!

The Bun Life - I Like To Read Stories Like This

Hello, all! I just got an email via RSS from the Best Friend's Animal Shelter website that chronicles a nice two-bunny adoption by an eleven-year old girl Kristen and her family. I know what you're thinking, girl adopts bunny, not exactly front-page news, right? However, a lot about the story made me feel good, which is rare for a news piece. It wasn't an impulse decision, the parents made their daughter do her homework (which she did, from my understanding), and they all took everything into consideration before adopting. As someone who has volunteered for rabbit rescue before, and has done multiple pre-adoption home visits, I can say that these type of adoptions are always the most successful. I mean for everyone, including the bunny. Don't get me wrong, it is fine if only one member wants the bunny, but the chances of a happy adoption go up if the whole family is on-board.

So two dew-claws up for Kristen and her family! I know this may seem out of place, but if you ever want another bunny I have a black and white Pumpernickel bunny that I am trying to get rid of. She is really a great rabbit, you can't approach her or pick her up, or come near her in any way, and she tears and chews up everything you own, but aside from that she is a real doll. If you're interested I can FedEx her to you overnight. Don't worry, I'll poke some holes in the box. She'll be fine, hopefully. Anyways, don't feel pressured, seriously, as long as you can give me an answer in the next 24 hours, but don't feel pressured by any means, okay? Good luck with your two though, I'm going to sew up my love seat, good night!

The Bun Life - Happy Jolloween!

Let me begin by first saying how much I absolutely HATE Halloween! Seriously, I do. Also, I have new upstairs neighbors now. The new people are WAY different than the amateur porn star couple that moved out. What moved in is Satan's in-laws. It is a couple in their thirties, the gangster type, with their underwear sticking out of their pants. Look, I love hip-hop music too, and if you grew up in Compton then I agree you are probably made of roofing nails. However, when you are a skinny white kid from the posh suburbia-heaven ghetto of Dix Hills, acting like the streets raised you is downright ridiculous looking. Anyway, Snoop Dogg and his Gangsta Hoe have like 80 kids, and they all wear platforms filled with concrete, and they sound like they have a Riverdance Instruction school that runs from 2AM to 1AM the next night, for the one hour they aren't open they are playing tag team wrestling and skydiving off the bed onto the floor, where I hear every bump, tap, slam, and heel stomp like it is beamed directly into my ear cavity. These kids must stay up all night drinking coffee and snorting No-Doz because I here them pounding and kicking and slamming all f*&^&*in night and day, EVERY night and day. I have become almost immune to it lately. I don't want any problems. I know kids will be kids so there is only so much Snoop can do. After all, there is 80 of them. How the hell do they have so many kids? I did the math, according to mine and Frannie's calculations, she must've had her first kid when she was 4. Yeah, not possible, back to the drawing board I guess. Hey, maybe they were like Gremlins and ate some fried chicken after Midnight, and then multiplied 79 times? Who knows.

The buns are great! We are getting all ready for Halloween. I have big plans. Frannie is gonna wash her hair, and then me and her are playing an exhibition Polish Yahtzee marathon with Thumper. We were thinking of doing a Haunted Couch Ride to make some extra money, but the couch is gone so scratch that idea! I am getting a life size picture of Charles Manson, taping it to my apt. door on Halloween, then writing on it "Knock for Candy! Note: I cannot be held liable for ANY sharp instruments found in candy!" That should deter those annoying trick or treaters! Bah-Humbun!

The Bun Life - Male Bunny Pickup Lines

Being a male house rabbit has got to be a tough gig. I mean, it isn’t bad enough you are born scared, but then you have to spend your life chasing girls that don’t want to be chased. For a male bunny to have at least a remote chance of passing on his legacy, he has to be one heck of a good talker. I can only imagine the lines that guy bunnies use on their female counterparts, some of them probably are:

• "I used to get all the chicks, but I wasn't compatible with any of them." (Get it???)
• "Bartender! I’ll have whatever she wants!"
• "I normally don't go out with girls as ugly as you, but at this point I'll take anything with floppy ears and a heartbeat. The heartbeat's optional."
• "Wow! You smell divine, what is that perfume you're wearing? Hay and Urine? Do they sell it at Macy's?"
• [ANY LINES YOU CAN THINK OF?|

Those are just a few that come to mind. See if you can think of anymore to add to the list. Imagine what it is like to be a boy bunny in this hectic house rabbit world they live in., use that for your creative inspiration!