The Bun Life – Shocking Story in Woman’s Day!


The latest issue of Woman’s Day magazine has shocked the house rabbit community to its very core. My name is Ludwig Van Weinershnitzel, and I am a veteran reporter for Woman’s Day magazine. As a journalist who only does stories that make a real impact on the world, I think it was divine intervention that ultimately led me to an extraordinary woman, well a female bunny really, with an extraordinary story of survival. One that I thought was absolutely…yup, extraordinary.

Due to a pending criminal investigation, I cannot tell you her full name, but we will refer to her as Baby Fwan, or Frannie. In August of last year, Frannie was walking alone at night, in a badly lit area by the entertainment center, when she was violently and suddenly attacked. I think the best way to tell you the details are from the horse’s mouth, or at least an ugly bunny that looks like a horse:

“One of my hocks went flat, and the area was really dark and desolate. If it wasn’t for the Dog Whisperer coming on the TV, I wouldn’t have been able to see a thing. I had a feeling someone was stalking me, watching my every move (I’ve been told by good friends that I am always like this but I don’t see it). As I came up on an entertainment center, I ran to the front doors and pounded on them, hoping that someone would open the door, but help never came.

Out of nowhere, a big burly human man appeared from my right. He had the drop on me, and blind-sided me, grasping me with his monstrous hands while PICKING ME UP off the ground! I was freaking out, trying to grab the attention of any passersby. I thought I saw my ex-boyfriend for a second, but he took one look at the situation and ran off to hide. Some boyfriend huh? I can’t believe that nobody had the common sense to at least call 911. The assailant, who was later identified as Jim through a paper trail of hay purchases and pizza delivery receipts, wouldn’t let me go even as I pleaded with him. I told him that he could clip my nails, brush my coat, anything but just not to PICK ME UP AGAIN! Like the criminal he is, he just had no reaction.

Eventually I escaped when he put me down, thankfully. I reported the incident to the nearest Police Station, but the cops were real jerks. They treated me as if I was criminal. They asked heartless questions like, “What were you wearing?” Which of course I told them I only had my pumpernickel fur jumpsuit on, and that even if I dress up as a pumpernickel bagel it doesn’t mean anyone has the right to just pick me up at random!! They asked me to take a polygraph, which I failed because I chewed up all the wires and leads. Boy, they were really pissed off about that.

They kept me in the station for hours, grilling me with accusations and doubts, even tried to beat me with a phone book, but I peed on it before they picked it up. Thank god I had the presence of mind to be that clever. In the end, I identified my attacker, Jim, and he was sentenced to 90 days in jail, only being allowed out once a day to come feed us and change our litter boxes.

Since my harrowing ordeal, I have learned a lot about myself that I never knew before, such as being able to eat a whole bag of carrots and still leave room for pellets. I even started a Picked Up victim’s rights group in my area, and found out that I am not alone; many female bunnies are picked up every day in this world, and we need to start mandatory sentencing for these monsters, or else the whole bunny community is unsafe. Even though I am doing great, I am still more paranoid than ever, never crossing the living room by the entertainment center again. Hopefully, I will continue to grow and learn from this, and it would help to speak at least a little English, but who’s counting?”

Wow, what a story. Actually, I meant what a STUPID story!

Easter 2011: The Bun Life's Open Letter to Those Who Are Considering Getting a Bunny for Easter

It is that time of year again, and Easter is just around the corner on April 24th of 2011. Because of all the joy rabbits have brought into my life, I have always felt that as rabbit lovers, we are the first line of defense when it comes to educating the public about rabbits, and what it really takes to keep them as an indoor pet.

Being a supporter of the House Rabbit Society, I only agree with keeping rabbits indoors like any other domesticated animal (yes, they can be litter trained AND free range just like my 3 are). If you can't keep them anywhere but in a wooden drawer outside in the cold, or in the hot, bug infested weather, then there is no reason to have a rabbit, right?

Every year, without fail, all rabbit rescues around the country get thousands of abandoned rabbit calls from people who bought the rabbit for their kid as an Easter present, and now the kid doesn't want it. If the rescue can't take the rabbit, then the owner lets it loose and dumps it in the woods. Domesticated bunnies have ZERO skills that their wild counterparts do.

All they really do is hide and run long enough to get lucky and starve to death, instead of being eaten alive. They are at the THE BOTTOM of the food chain; meaning everything out there with them is trying to eat them, and they have little defense, especially compared to the wild rabbits. This is a recipe for disaster, and 100% evil and cruel. There are countless reasons why a rabbit is not a good impulse present:
  • They live more than 10 full years on average. So, if your daughter or son is in 8th grade now, they will have the responsibility of caring for the bunny even when they graduate from college. They aren't cute little babies for long; then they are a full-sized pet from then on. This is when they lose their novelty for the young kids who don't know any better, and accidentally "let themselves out".
  • If you made a list of every kind of pet, and then tried to find the one domesticated indoor pet that was the absolute highest amount of maintenance, a bunny would be near the top. They have complex diets, hay and pellets and water daily. Not to mention cleaning up the hair and stray pellets of poop.
  • Bunnies have an extremely complicated and delicate digestive system. Stasis is up there for the most prolific killer of bunnies, and it is hard to detect until it is too late. This means that regular checkups, at least once every 6 months, are needed. This all costs money.
  • Rabbits are NOT child safe pets. They are, for the most part, afraid of being picked up (especially my Frannie); which makes sense, because in the wild being picked up means being eaten. Children are clumsy and unsure of themselves when they first start interacting with a new pet; but rabbits have an extremely light skeletal system that is largely hollow and is less dense than a cat's. It is VERY common for a child to try and pick up or hold a bunny and it falls from fright or by mistake, and suffers a broken back. There is nothing that can be done after that, they must be put down (the rabbit, not the kid). 
  • If you are a person who is very vain about their house and furniture (which isn't an insult), then having a rabbit might not be a good idea, because they have a penchant for chewing wires, couches, molding, carpets, and anything else. Sure, with training and rabbit-proofing your place properly, this can be mitigated, but not if you aren't expecting it.
  • Rabbits multiply like Gremlins at a 4 a.m. smorgasbord. Unless fixed, they will quickly turn from 2 bunnies into half a trillion bunnies. Wow, how lucky you are to have a zillion offspring bestowed onto thou??
  • Rabbits are known to be government witnesses for the bunny mafia who have been placed into the Witness Relocation Program while cooperating with known criminal bunnies. 
Okay no, that last one was a lie, but you can see where I am coming from. Now for the flip side. By reading that list you might think I am telling you that rabbits suck and to never to get one. With the exception of Frannie, I mean nothing of the sort. They are wonderful animals, and can bring you much joy for years, but the reason for all of this is to show you that adopting a rabbit is something that needs to be given serious thought. If you have considered all of these things, and found a way for them to work with your family, then by all means go and adopt a rabbit. 

I ask all of you to never adopt a bunny on Easter Sunday, it is a testament to our feelings for the rabbit's plight, and to do our best to get this point across to the public.

And one more big thing: if you do get a bunny, please adopt one from a rescue. Pet stores want your money, and that's it. Rescues care about the bunnies, not profit. Volunteers work their butts off for nothing but the satisfaction of helping a bunny find a home that wouldn't have found it otherwise. Thank you and have a nice holiday!

The Bun Life - Guess Who's Profile Was On

I can’t believe it, I went online and apparently Frannie placed a singles ad on! Can you believe that? Here check out her ad, it is really crazy:

Me on the Left, Just Ignore My Ex on the Right
Name: Baby Fwan (people just call me Baby Fwan for short)
Age: “You wish!”
Gender: Female
Race: “Yes, I’m Really Fast”
Location: Livingroom and ½ of the Dining room
Education: I Watch a lot of Discovery Channel
Occupation: Full-time Certified House Rabbit
Salary: Two Bags of Western TH per week
Favorite Band: Tumpie Rabbits and the Five Whatchamacallits
Favorite Bagel : Pumpernickel (duh)
Marital Status: Divorced

Personal Section

What is your reason for joining BunMatch?

I am getting old, almost REAL old, and I was in a relationship that was going nowhere. No seriously, we went nowhere, if there wasn’t the occasional trip to under the couch I don’t think I would’ve been able to hold my sanity. I want to meet someone that I can talk to, on the same level as I am intellectually. My ex is a total retard. Cute, white and fluffy yes, but common sense? Nada. He was constantly putting me in situations where I would get picked up, have my nails cut, get my hair brushed! They were HORRIBLE experiences, Jim should be arrested and put away in prison for life for the trauma he caused me.

What is Your Ideal Mate?

A buck who works, pays the bills, can provide a roof over my head, preferably a Cottontail Cottage but it isn’t a deal breaker. I know not everyone can afford such luxuries. Man, I would even settle for an empty 2-liter supermarket box, I hear most of the low-class shelter buns have only that for comfort. He should be decent looking, yes, but that isn’t the most important factor. He must live with a human who DOESN’T PICK ME UP, that is THE most important thing in life to me, before food or shelter even. Also, he can’t be STUPID!

Write a Quick Message to Your Potential Mates Out There

Hi, I enjoy long walks on the carpet, and watching the sunset from under the couch. I am an easy gal to get along with, just no face-humping or getting me picked up, Homie don’t play that.