The Bun Life - Breakdown of Frannie's Brain Physiology and Other Pointless Crap

Okay, as both of you very well know, all I have to do to get Frannie to run away is simply exist. So when I go to the fridge to get her and Tumps a carrot, I have to call out "FWANNN!!" and then the entire Baby Fwan decision weighing process begins. Several thoughts run through in precise succession, it is basically like a "Choose Your Own Adventure Book" when you really think about it. Here is what Frannie is thinking EXACTLY, I know because I had an affair with her therapist. Ever wonder why therapist is spelled The Rapist??? Now you know why. Anyway, getting back to the completely meaningless conversation we were having, here you go, the Frannie thought process in detail:

It all begins when I call out FWAAANNNN!!

1. Frannie picks up the call on one of her flying ears, that are in orbit around the living room. The ears relay the call back to Frannie's brain.

2. Frannie then tried to distinguish the call and see if it is human or not.

3. She realizes that it is human, so that immediately means the paranoia defenses are jacked up to 89% capacity by default, now she has to determine which human it is.

4. Frannie realizes that Jim has no life, save for the bun life, and figures out that Jim is the only person it possibly COULD be. So yes, it is Jim, that immediately gives Fwan the following options:

  • Option A: Run like hell so he can't pick me up. (Turn to page 53)
  • Option B: Delay running like hell for just a tad longer, just in case the remote possiblity of getting something other than a pick up. (Stay on this page)

5. Frannie will often choose option A immediately, then stay under the couch for a second and then change her mind and come back. Once she decides to hold her ground and see what happens next, the process continues.

6. Evaluate Tumpie Rabbit's reaction and see if he is his normal jackass self, or if he is absolutely petrified like I always am.

  • Option A: If Tumps is normal, hang out just a little longer for possible food reward. (Stay on this page)
  • Option B: If Tumps is scared, run like hell under the couch, NOTE: remember to follow the white fluffy tail. (Turn to page 53)

7. Now if Fwan chooses Option A, I call them once again, but this time I provide official evidence that I am not a lying S.O.B. and really have a carrot for them, the evidence is obviously the carrot itself. Once I show the carrot, this sets further things in motion: Fwan then is faced with new options:

  • Option A: Run right up to Jim and beg for carrot. (Turn to page 117) NOTE: Not good choice, could be tricked into being picked up, check memory for BAD experiences related to this fact.
  • Option B: Run like hell under the couch. (Turn to page 53)
  • Option C: Coerce stupid Tumpie Rabbits to be the "Bait" and go first for a carrot. This way if he gets tricked and picked up then we will NEVER trust Jim again. (Turn to page 210) NOTE: Check memory for funny experiences watching Thumper get "tricked and picked".

8: Fwan will choose Option C 9.9 times out of 10. When she does, I always have to give Thumps the carrot first. He then runs to get away from Fwan, because BF loves to finish hers quickly and then hunt him down for the rest of his :) Once I go to give Frannie her carrot, she leans over JUST enough to commit to getting the carrot, yet keeps her backleg momentum facing towards the couch in case I try to pick her up anyway. Once she has the carrot, she is faced with the last of her options:

  • Option A: Run like hell and eat carrot under the couch. (Turn to page 53) NOTE: This eliminates post option of eating Thumper's carrot too.
  • Option B: Run to the nearest safe zone where I can keep an eye on Jim, eat carrot, and keep tabs on Dimwit so I know where to go for his carrot when done with mine. (Turn to page 300) NOTE: be prepared to tussle with tumpie Rabbits! He gets really pissed when I steal his carrot.

There you have it, believe it or not this saga plays itself out in the head of Baby Fwan every time I go to the fridge to get them a carrot. Amazing huh??

The Bun Life - Frannie Fishing

Okay, I know we just did Frannie feathers, but this is a different sport entirely. This is one of the oldest pastimes in human history, or at least for as long as I have had Frannie. So here is how it is done. I get my fishing rod out and tie a 12 hook fishing lore up to the end. And then I cast the rod across the room at......

Okay....just hooks for Baby Fwan.

What I did was buy a yo yo, and take the string off. Then I take a baby carrot and tie the string to it. Wait until Frannie & Thumps (or just Fran) is under the couch, which is usually about 23 hours and 57 minutes out of everyday. Then I lean over the back of the couch and let the carrot drop down to the floor. I don't say anything, I just move the carrot from one end of the couch to another and see how long it takes Baby Fwan to snag the line. It is so funny when she does too! ALl you here is crunch, then she tugs on the string a little. Just like when a fish hits the line. Only instead of setting the hook I am setting the Fwan!.

Okay, you are gonna ask me if I don't tell you. No Thumps has never hit the line instead of Fwan, don't know why, Thumps has got a few more rocks in his head than Baby Fwan does. She is so paranoid she gets scared by her own flying ears.

Frannie loves it because she gets a carrot out of the deal, and she doesn't even have to come out from under the couch.As you can probably tell, my weekends are crazy. I live on the edge constantly, sometimes I get real nuts and return a blockbuster movie without rewinding the DVD! Serves them right, I live by my own rules. Power to the BUNS!!!

The Bun Life - TumpieRabbits, the Chairman of the Board

Many of you 4 know that I have other bunnies besides Baby Fwan. I love all my rabbits the same, each one has a unique spot in my heart. Thumper was my first rabbit, and boy is he some rabbit. He is big and white and a dream to pet. He is full of personality and loves his Frannie to death. He is the bossiest bunny I have ever seen. Thumper has been thrown out of 5 different karaoke bars across the island, all because of his bossy habits.

I never knew anything about bunnies when I got Thumper, I never even knew people kept them as indoor pets. At the particular time in my life, I was a little depressed, recovering still from a hurtful relationship with an ex-girlfriend, and I thought getting a pet might help get my mind off of depressing things. I gotta tell you, this bunny had me hooked from the first minute. I never seen anything quite like him, he was SO funny, running around the living room doing binkies. Then he would sit there and hump his furry ball for 15 hours straight while I laughed my ass off. Of course once I figured out that he needed to be "fixed" I took care of it immediately.

That calmed him down a lot, and my Mom was angry with me and said, "He is different now! He don't like me!" I told my Mom why he "liked" her so much before and she understood. Thumps was the best, I swear I never thought I could love an animal as much or more than a human, and I really love my bunnies just as much as I would a newborn baby. One day, I came home and found that we no longer had a window sill with 20 houseplants. We now had a windowsill with 20 pots of black soil, no plants. Thumper had evidently gotten up on there and eaten every single damn plant on the sill. I decided to look the plants up to see which ones were harmful, and was shocked to find out that all of them were! I took him to the vet and they watched him the whole night into the day, he was absolutely fine. Unreal, just pure luck I guess. They let me see him before leaving for the night. I went back there and there he was stuffed into an incubator to keep him warm. Looking at me like, "What the hell am I DOING here??" God, talk about adorable, pure white albino lop in an incubator, the office girls couldn't get enough of him."

Thumper does so many funny things, like spreading his fat tummy over the air conditioner vents so he gets the entire volume of air to his fat tummy! None for the rest of the house though, from the other room I hear the air pressure change in the vents and yell "Tumps! Get off the vent!" and then I hear the pressure go back to normal. How funny is that?

I have come up with so many names for Thumper, they are:

Tumpie Rabbits
Tumpie Wabbits
Bumpy Rabbits
Booby Rumpus
Baby Wabbits
Booby Baby Bumpus

And many more that I can't think of. So next time you hear about Baby Fwan, remember that BF isn't the only gig in town, I have 3 other superstars to make fun of also.

The Bun Life - Plucking Frannie Feathers!

Besides bar hopping and playing Polish Yahtzee with the bunnies, one of my favorite past times is plucking Frannie feathers. In case you don't know what those are, and why would you, some bunnies get their hair follicles clogged up with dry skin or whatever, and they push out of the skin and stick out. When you pluck them, it is like a bouquet of flowers (don't smell as nice though), a bundle of hairs with a staple around the bottom. Sometimes I use them for my painting by numbers. Anyway, here is a bad picture of one that I took for you:

Anyway, it is clear enough for you to get an idea of what I am talking about. Aren't they so cool? I swear, it is like an addiction, if I don't pluck at least 5 feathers a day I start to break out in cold sweats, I start to get desperate. When that happens, I start stealing from relatives to finance my habit. Anyway, that is a painful story, one that Fran would like to forget I am sure.

One thing that really bothered me though, recently a Scandinavian Midget Geneticist discovered that plucking Frannie feathers has a direct link to morbid obesity in bunny rabbits. OMG! Poor fat Frannie! No wonder why she has such a big rumpus! All because of my damn feather plucking addiction. Well, they say you always hurt the ones you love the most.

The Bun Life - I'll Kill Her!!!!!

UNbelievable, THE nerve, the GALL, the UTMOST guts she has. I have never had a more somber day, well maybe when Thumps picked Baby Fwan at the rescue, but other than that, NEVER! I was going out somewhere (nowhere important, I don't have any friends, at least none that will be seen in public with me. Okay, I don't want friends OKAY? Leave me alone and lets get on with the story!) and I always open the door to my apartment and leave it ajar a little while i go get the mail. It is a little vestibule that is carpeted and is shared by a few apartment doors. Anyway, I never even worry about the door being open just a little because the bunnies never even go near the door, EVER, and I mean never, or until now that is.

My neighbor comes out of her apartment, she thinks I am a serial killer or something by the way, mostly because I am a suburban caveman that works from home and goes out to the store at 3 AM. One night when she saw me going out late, she asked me "Where are you going at this time a night?" Holding back from telling her to shut her face, I simply said, "Well, stalking and peeping aren't nine to five jobs are they, hun?" That was the end of the questions, mission accomplished. Anyway, where was I? Oh, I was telling you how the bunnies never come out the door. Okay, well my neighbor comes out to get her mail, and she gives me a grunt or two, and out of nowhere, all I hear is, "Ohhhhhhh Myyyyyy GGGooooooddddd!!! WHO is THIS Lovely thing????"

Yup, you guessed it, Baby Fwan, in the flesh, standing in the hallway. I damn near had a heart attack and would have shooed BF into the apartment, but my neighbor was acting like she had just discovered the six slice toaster for Pete's sake. She was asking me a thousand questions about Baby Fwan. I didn't dare tell her that I had like a whole gaggle of googly bunny rabbits in my apt or I would have never gotten rid of her. Anyway, she was petting her, and telling me how she had a bunch of rabbits when she was in her twenties while she was living with her sister.

Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it happened, the unthinkable, the unforeseen, the unimaginable, the oh whatever enough already. SHE PICKED HER UP AND HELD HER!!! AND BABY FWAN FELL INTO HER ARMS LIKE IT WAS HER WEDDING NIGHT!! I simply couldn't believe it. For nearly 15 minutes she was holding my dearest wabbit. She looked at me, the neighbor that is, and said, "Why, she doesn't like when you hold her??" I told her that yeah as long as it is not longer than 30 seconds, she loves it. She finally put Baby Fwan down and inside the apartment. I am so mad I think I am gonna make up a fake America's Most Wanted poster of myself and list my crimes as shooting my neighbor, and post it on the bulletin board or something.

Me and Fwan had a long discussion over a few pots of coffee that night. Things got really heated. So much so, that I had to turn on the fan for a little while. Just in case anyone is interested, I am starting a rabbit adoption program. We have one black and white overweight lop/houndstooth mix if anyone is interested. Comes with a couch.