The Bun Life - War Bunnies??

I just got done watching a show on the military channel called "No Dogs Left Behind" where different troops talk about how they befriended different dogs in Iraq and there was this big mission to bring them home by the SPCA. Really tugged at my heart strings, and then of course, knowing me, my mind started to wonder. About what? What else? Yup, Baby Fwan.

I pictured me bing in my 4th tour of duty, meanwhile the closest I ever got to being a soldier was renting Call of Duty for Xbox 360. Anyway, here I am on the FOB, that's Jarhead jargon for Forward Operating Base. What the hell would my story be like about befriending BF in Iraq when getting home, talking about it on the military channel?? I can be sure of one thing, it wouldn't at all resemble the beautiful lullaby that Gunnery Sergeant Slaughter yapped about. It would likely go something like so:

"Well one day after patrol, we went back to base, and from that day forward me and the other troops started realizing that every one of the base's couches had a hole the size of a football in them, and stuffing was missing. Huh? Yup, stuffing. So we thought maybe we had rats or something and put down traps to get rid of them. For the next 3 nights we would here one of the traps go SNAP!! and then we would see this thing, which strangely resembled a loaf of pumpernickel bread actually, dart across the room. We were all pretty scared silly, because we had no idea what could be that quick, and most of all, what the hell on earth looked like a loaf of pumpernickel bread. Secondly, I hate Pumpernickel!!

Anyway, after a day or so of SNAPS and darts, one of the troops said in the corner, "Oh my GOD!! It's a bunny!" We all put our M-16's down for a sec and we went over to have a look see. We all cooed and aahhhd, then one of the troops said, "Damn, I hate to be negative in the middle of a war zone, but it sure is an ugly bunny!" I pimp smacked him upside the head, and told him he was hurting the poor thing's feelings. The bunny, who I decided to name Baby Fwan after my third cousin by marriage, was cowering under one of the beds. We eventually moved every single piece of furniture out of the room that she could hide under. Then she just stared at us, she was actually frowning and looked terribly pissed off. But what was I gonna do, leave Baby Fwan in this hellhole of the earth named Iraq? Nah, not me. One of the troops, Staff Sergeant Weinershnitzel, decided he would try and pick her up. Fast forward 12 hours later, we are at the surgery wing of the field hospital, where the Staff Sgt. was undergoing plastic surgery after being nearly scalped by the big bunny. Poor guy, who knew rabbits hated being picked up? Well, one thing is for sure, the Staff Sgt. knew damn well now.

So we went to the Battle of Fallujah, and the whole time we heard that Baby Fwan was begging the Iraqi insurgents to "take me away from these people", we were very upset about that. We decided she needed to be caged. After listening to her incessant thumping all night, we put her on a cargo plane bound for the states. I heard the whole time she refused to use the litter box and the luggage section of the plane was all torn up because she found her way into crew's luggage. What a mess. The best thing was when I finally got home after my tour, Baby Fwan was waiting for me with open paws, okay she was actually sleeping under my mom's couch but whatever, at least she is home now. What a great tale of love and hate right?"

Sure, isn't the same story as the dogs is it?

The Bun Life - This is Ridiculous

I walked into my apartment today, after being away for a few hours, and when I came back the kids were safely tucked away under the couch, and there was a folded piece of paper on the floor by the front door, it was obviously a note, and it had "To Jim" written on it. Surprised, I opened the letter and sat down to read it. Boy was this stupid:

Dear Jim, My name is John Doe and I live in the area, but you don't know me and you will never meet me. Whatever you may think, this letter was not written by Baby Fwan, so don't think that. She has nothing to do with the writing of this letter, so if you find her DNA here then it is purely coincidental and you wouldn't have a chance in a court of law. The reason of my letter was to inform you that I am not happy with the treatment Baby Fwan, I mean your rabbits are getting, especially that gorgeous one Baby Fwan. She is beautiful, you know I had a loaf of Pumpernickel bread that looked just like her one time. I dont mean the bread looked like her only one time, I mean it was one time long ago, theoretically speaking of course, Anyway, back to the point: Rabbits, especially Baby Fwan, should NEVER be picked up, EVER, for any reason whatsoever. Baby Fwan..I mean your bunnies do not like being picked up, they fear it like you would the Boogie Man. So don't do it, EVER!! Oh and I just wanted to remark about how incredibly beautiful that Baby Fwan is. Wow, what a delightfully vivacious animal she is. I bet she is real smart too. Boy I can't get over how good looking she is, is she a model? She is definitely not fat, she is just big boned that's all. Also, I would highly recommend turning over the couch permanently to Baby Fw...oops I mean your rabbits. You should do this ASAP as far as I am concerned, it is good for your mental stability. I read that in the book, "Natural Cures that Baby Fwan Doesn't Want You To Know About" that I saw on TV late at night. Also, there is some talk about the complex being infested with a poison gas that only humans die from but not rabbits! You need to get away from this place, to save yourself. I would suggest moving out but keeping Baby F... I mean the rabbits in the apartment and still pay all the bills. This way I... I mean the rabbits will be comfortable while you are gone. This is very good advice coming from a sound mind. Bets of Luck to you Jim. John Doe

The Bun Life - Couch Symantics

When Frannie wants to do something, and makes up her mind that she is gonna do it, you will have to physically restrain her to stop her from doing it, probably the most determined rabbit I ever saw. Thumper, being the ever so gullible bun he is, will do whatever Frannie tells him to do, if this means bashing his head into a brick wall, then so be it.

Determined? Okay, let's talk about HOW determined Fwan is. Okay, well, before my couch became the landfill it is now, Frannie and Thumps started going under the couch, under the middle part where there are no recliners. I didn't like this, mostly because Fwan and Thumps would start doing construction and demolition projects under there while I sat down. I swear I could hear hammers and electric saws going, don't ask me how but I did.

So I decided I would try to stop them from going under the couch. I first put a playpen around the backside, then they picked a corner and went to work on it. They worked in 12 hour shifts, one slept while the other wiggled and scratched at the corner until finally they got in. They bundled up and fell asleep. I came home and was like, "Where are the buns?" Well, so much for that.

Next I took cardboard and taped it to the bottom and sides of the couch, doubling it up and then putting the playpen around again. Once again, Fwan and Tumps tag teamed the couch, ripped and clawed a hole (which was a perfect circle by the way) just big enough to squeeze their fat rumpuses through, then bundled up and fell asleep. Again, I came home to find my couch had been burglarized.

After that I decided I would use the playpen, tie shoelaces from the playpen to the bottom pegs of the couch, so they couldn't wiggle the playpen free from the couch, then took a pair of old sneakers and jammed them into the small openings that were left by the playpen. I jammed them in there really hard too, I didn't even think a person could get them out of there let alone a 6 pound bunny. Thumps and Fwan pulled an all nighter and in the morning, I came out and found a sneaker (nearly torn to shreds) in the middle of the room, and a bundle of bubbly bunny rabbits under the couch, sleeping.

Determined not to let them under the couch. I went and got the cement cardboard tubes. You guys know the ones. The ones I got are really thick. I bought one and made it the exact length of the couch. Then I place it behind the couch on the floor, and then pushed the couch up against the wall as far as it would go. The idea here was that they could still go behind the couch, by using the tube, but not go UNDER the couch because the tube blocked entrance to it. Then to block all avenues of entry I took an old pair of steel toe work boots and jammed each one into the small leftover openings that the tube left. We were set, no more under the couch, right?

Well, over the next few days, I would see Frannie disappear behind the couch, here her enter the tunnel, and stop while still in it. Then I would hear, scratch scratch scratch. I thought that it didn't matter because this tube was about 4 inches thick and was completely round and narrow on the inside, how could she possibly get through it by scratching. Anyway, I came home about 2 nights later and realized that two buns were missing. I looked everywhere but under the couch because I just assumed it was safe from their wrath. Anyway, I look under the couch from far away and see a white cottonball and a pumpernickel cottonball sticking ever so slightly out from the bottom of the middle of the couch.

Unreal. I looked at the tube, and in the middle of the tube, right where the tube aligns with the middle of the couch, there is a perfect circle hole going right through to the center of the couch. Since then I have signed over the deed to the couch to them permanently :)

The Bun Life - Under Construction

I took a nap earlier today, and woke up to a construction crew (Fran) renovating the house (cottontail cottage) nextdoor. Talk about annoying. I really was comfortable, and I think deep down Baby Fwan knew this and wanted to drive me into the depths of hysterical madness.

Scratch, scratch..scratch...scratch...scratch...claw...scratch..scratch..scratch.chew a piece off....scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch...claw....scratch...rip...scratch..scratch..scratch..chew a piece off....scratch..scratch..scratch....

FWANNIE!!! STOOOOPPPPPPP!!!

10 seconds of pure silent bliss. Then..

Scratch, scratch..scratch...scratch...scratch...claw...scratch..scratch..scratch.chew a piece off....scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch

(Sound of sneaker hitting the couch...) Booom!

FWANNIE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF FWAN, WOULD YOU STOP THAT!!???!!??

10 seconds of pure silent ignorant bliss. Then...

Scratch, scratch..scratch...scratch...scratch...claw...scratch..scratch..scratch.chew a piece off....then the unmistakable sound of a stream of pee hitting cardboard....

She does this when she wants to prove a point.

Sound of magazine flying across the room hitting the plastic garbage pail. Pitter patter footsteps, then I hear Fwan wiggle underneath the couch, the one I am currently in of course. I figure she is going in there to spoon with Thumper or whatever. Fine, sleep is here. Relaxation has finally prevailed. Then, from underneath my butt, I hear the wood beams of the couch starting up with the:

Bite...Bite....Bite...Scratch...Scratch....Bite...Bite....Bite...Scratch...Scratch....Bite...Bite....Bite...Scratch...Scratch...

Sound of my foot hitting the bottom of the couch.

FWANNIEE!! Stop it!!

Then I hear her pop out and go over to the water bowl. Then she lays down in front of the TV. I close me eyes, and not even 30 seconds later, the house nextdoor starts up again.

Scratch, scratch..scratch...scratch...scratch...claw...scratch..scratch..scratch.chew a piece off....scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..scratch..

FWANNN!!!! That's it!

Sound of me admitting defeat and heading off to the bedroom for a nap. Baby Fwan wins again.

The Bun Life - Wake Up!!!

I saw my nephews yesterday and my younger nephew wanted to sleep over and play video games on my big screen TV. I said yes, and he fell asleep on the little couch, mainly because he is the size of a maple leaf. Put it to you this way. He was taking a shower one time and accidentally got sucked down the drain! Anyway. I was watching TV and sitting on the big couch, or should I say, "Baby Fwan's couch"

I fell asleep and woke up at 6:15AM. Now you have to realize something. I wake up at 6AM every single day, like clockwork. First thing I do, after opening my eyes of course, is go right to the bunny pellets and feed the fat wabbits for breakfast. They know this, they live by this routine, 6AM is magic hour for them, and let me tell you, when the off chance arrives that I am a tad late in getting up, some really weird stuff starts to happen around here. Wanna know what? It happens in stages:

Stage 1

Tumps and Baby Fwan look at each other, look at the clock, look at me on the couch, then look at the clock, then look at each other and silently mouth, "WTF??" They wait another minute, and that is actually a lifetime to them.

Stage 2

BF and TR decide to take an aggressive posture towards me, I don't really know what that means but it sounds pretty cool. Anyway, Frannie and Thumps decide on a tag team approach to try to wake me up. This is where things get really dangerous for the wabbits. They throw on their vests and helmets, and prepare to make entry onto the couch.

Stage 3

Frannie is scared out of her wits (woah, big shocker there) so she cleverly talks numbskull into going first. You never know, things could go all wrong and someone might get "picked up" which would just be awful for them. After all, they have a family at home, to get picked up at such a young age would just devastate the family. Okay, this is getting pretty stupid. Anyway, Thumps takes the scenic route to the couch, and hops up onto the other end where my feet are. He looks at BF for reassurance, and she gives him the nod to continue on, silently giggling to herself, "what an idiot!" So he does.

Stage 4.

This is the first indication that I get that something is going on with the wabbits. Why? I can feel Thumps chinning my toes. You believe that? My toes are theirs too!! Not even my couch could stop this possessive relationship I have with the wabbits. Anyway, I feel Thumps starting to navigate the couch, in between my legs and feet. He eventually makes his way onto my chest (I swear to god) and starts to dig on my chest. This is either to wake me up, or to rip my heart out, or both. I personally think it is a wake me up ploy. He has done this for years now.

Truth is, I love it, call me crazy and lazy but I do. It tickles like crazy and I die laughing inside when he does it. But there is a catch. If I even move the slightest bit, with any part of my body, open an eye, or talk, he is GONE. Partly because he does not want to get picked up, and partly because his job is done. SO I don't ever move. I let him dig and dig until Frannie calls him back.

Stage 5 - Baby Fwan

Then it is BF's turn. Frannie does the almost identical thing, except this time Frannie sits on my chest and starts leaning her face over onto my forehead and I hear her sniffing my hairline. Every ounce of my will wanted to grab Baby Fwan and just hug her! Because I NEVER can lol. But this girl is stealth and alertness times a million. I couldn't help it and let out a giggle. Baby Fwan's flying ears, which were in orbit around my head, picked up the giggle and Fran headed for the hills. I jumped up and they were like, "Okay, he's up, lets start doing the morning ritual now!"

Unreal, in all honesty, this has happened to me quite a few times. Almost every time that I fall asleep on the couch overnight.

The Bun Life - Intruder!!!!!!!!

Okay, here is the sitchyation, parents when away on a week's vacation. Okay, sorry, I had to do that. Anyway, there was an INTRUDER today in the office!!! I was watching TV in the livingroom, and I was in the recliner, which Fwan likes to park her big fat rumpus under when I have the leg thing up. Ever see how hard it is to get out of a recliner without putting down the leg thing? That;s my life. Anyway I fell asleep (shocking), and when I woke up I could just feel in my heart (or maybe it was my legs) that something wasn't right. I just knew deep down that there was some rabbit in my residence doing something that they shouldn't be. Ever get that feeling? No? Me neither. Anyway, I went towards the office. It was at that time I saw the first sign of things gone wrong.

The gate to the office was AJAR!!! No, there wasn't a jar in the door, the door was a jar!! No the door didn't turn into a jar, it was open! I mean the gate was open. Stop confusing me!

I quickly searched for my two oldest children, Thumps and BF. I found them under the couch (wow, what a shock) and they had a look on their face like the gate being open was OLD NEWS. So I knew the office held at least one of the following surprises for me, not dead wabbits because I put pens up so they can't possibly get in to the other wabbits pens. BUT:

A) $9,690.00 worth of shredded computer wires
B) scared a highly alert wabbits
C) Squibbles with half a nose
D) Fuzzles watching Wheel of Fortune and counting her prescriptions (this is actually a given)
E) A chalk line (what I call it) of cocoa puffs outlining each of the scared wabbit's pen areas.
F) Blow up Doll with lingerie on that looks like .................(((WHOOOAA wait a sec, howd that get in there)) A through E ONLY!!

Okay, so I went in and luckily for me found only situation E. Thank Baby Jesus. After cleaning up the 9 million cocoa puffs. I wonder, where does a 6 pound bunny produce 14 pounds of cocoa puffs from? Do they have them flown in? Unreal. Absolutely unreal.

The Bun Life - I Found Baby Fwan's Poetry Book!!!

I was searching the attic at Baby Fwan's house (huh?) and underneath her dress from the Class of '69 Under the Sea Dance, I found her poetry book from a year or so ago, after she had been with us for about 2 years. At least that is what the latest date is on the last page. I decided to transfer some of them to digital format, to preserve these great works of literature (god forbid). Anyway, here are some of Fwan's poems. I must warn you, they are pretty stupid, remmeber it is a bunny writing these, not Robert Frost.

Ode To What? by Baby Fwan Roses are Red (I think), Violets are Blue (I bet), You picked me up, Therefore I hate you!

Boy, what prose! She is something else. There is more though...

I Dream of Couches by Baby Fwan As I bunny flop (what is a bunny anyway?) on the carpet and lazily fall asleep, I think of what I'll wake up to and then start to weep, for thou art thy coucheth not there, I shall beware, and thou art thy art thou not shall art! What the hell am I saying now? Oh whatever, I just wanna eat Jim's couch okay??!!

Boy, that was reaaalllyy stupid.

Let it All Hang Out by Baby Fwan There once was a bun from Nantucket, Who saw Jim's couch and said, "Aww, F........

WOAH WOAH WOAH, I think we will stop that one short. I don't want the FCC breathing down my back. Boy this blog has really gone to sh%$ hasn't it?? Poems by Baby Fwan, how stupid!!

The Bun Life - Secret Admirer Uncovered/Exposed

As you all know, I talk about Baby Fwan a lot, and Tumps, but I do have 2 other bunnies: Fuzzby and Sydney. They are both setup in my office, one with a playpen on one side, the other one with one on the opposite side. So they can see each other if they position themselves right. I have tried to bond them but Fuzzby has a Pseudomonas infection that she just can't shake and I can't risk Sydney getting sick. Plus, Fuzzles is an older bun and I don't want her to get hurt if their is a fight. Sydney, aka Squibbles, is a doll when you hold him but when his feet hit the ground he transforms into El Loco De Rabbito and charges at absolutely anything.

He is so funny, he charges me when I mess around in his area, he sacrifices his whole body as a battering ram and just plows into me, of course he weighs less than a toothpick so it really is quite comical. He can bite though, and bites me all the time. They are not kill bites, they don't even break the skin, it is just a warning to remind me that he aint one to be messed with. However, he never bites when you hold him, he LOVES to groom you, he must think your arm is an ice cream cone or something.

Fuzzles on the other hand, has HUGE eyelashes, like Betty Boop, and never hurts anyone. Poor Fuzzles just wants peace and quiet, she is like one of the Golden Girls who just wants to play Bridge in the afternoons, come home and watch Wheel of Fortune, and then head off to bed. So, I just don't see how her life could mix with Sydney the charging jackass nutcase, you know? BUT, anyway, nonetheless, I was going through Squibbles room (playpen) and in the drawer, under some jeans, I found a letter he wrote to Fuzzy yet hadn't dropped in the mail yet.

Naturally, the first thing that pops into my head is, "How did my bunny get such beautiful handwriting?" Anyway, here is what the letter said:

"Dearest Fuzz Fuzz,

You probably remember me from when we first met, I know that didn't go so well, if my memory serves me right I think I face humped you and tore a small patch of fur off. Sorry about that, I just get incredibly nuts around beautiful women, I mean bunnies. Anyway, I been watching you from afar, actually about 3 feet, and I must say, did you lose weight?? You look amazing!! You have the fluffiest white and gray tail I have ever seen. That perfume you wear is decadent, by the way is that the new Moose Urine that's out? It is to die for.

Anyway, not to bore you with small talk, but I wanted you to know that I am really shy and can't express myself the way I would like. So I write you this letter, I hope you speak English, and can read it as well, because I want to know if you would like to go out with me some time? Maybe we can go out for a hay cube or something, or go rent a Bunny Bungalow for the weekend? Okay, I know I am probably moving too fast for you, but I feel my life is gonna be short. That mean huge big fat white rabbit from the other side of the tracks (living room) has sworn to others that he will cause my demise eventually.

I can't stand that big white bully, and his ugly girlfriend, you know who I'm talking about right? Man, she looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! She went to a haunted house and came out with an application!! What is she anyway? She doesn't look like any bunny breed I ever saw. Anyway, she is not one of us, she is a sheltered spoiled bun who was born at a rescue, not RESCUED like us. That means she was loved from the get go, while we suffered in the hands of human trash. Do I sound bitter? Sorry, I just get passionate about the cause.

Hopefully, you will accept my invitation and, if you want, I can sneak out one night and come see you? I promise, I will bring my own litter box. Okay, bye my dearest Fuzzy Wuzzles, til next time.

Love always,

Sid"

Man, that is incredible, Sydney has an impressive vocab!

The Bun Life - Easter's Coming!

Well, spring is in the air and the buns are all chummy due to Easter being around the corner. They know what an exciting time this is for the bunnies of the world. Actually, Baby Fwan and I were talking about it over some Irish Coffee last night. Man, Fwannie drinks a lot of coffee, maybe that is why she is always so paranoid?? Anyway, I asked BF how much do bunnies love Easter? She said about as far as she can trust to walk without me trying to pick her up.

After I did some calculations, it turns out that isn't very far, about .0000001 cm actually. So I went back to BF and asked her to tell me why bunnies hate Easter so much. Here is what Bf told me, she is very intelligente by the way, she said to picture being an orphan kid, and that every year there was a holiday where someone came and adopted you into this wonderful family Easter morning, and everyone was so excited to see you and hold you and love you. Everything was just so damn chipper.

Then the following morning, as soon as you ask to use the toilet, they freak the hell out, tell you that you are way too much trouble than you're worth, and drive you out to the nearest ditch, and dump you in the woods. Now you are freezing, homeless, familyless, couchless, and in a way worse predicament than living at the orphanage. Now tell me, would you be so darn excited the next time Easter rolled around? I said yes, and Baby Fwan told me that I was an idiot. I told Baby Fwan that I was just being Devil's Advocate, and she asked me if that was the same thing as Deviled Eggs. Of course, I told her the truth: absolutely.

So to cheer the buns up, I am leaving some treats around the house, little plastic eggs with single servings of couch stuffing for BF. In Thumper's eggs I am leaving notes that say, "For prize, see Fran", that should get some good arguments going.