You Know The Job Market Sucks When....

I've been surfing Craig's List for months now looking for some additional part-time work in either writing, copywriting, Oracle work, or SEO consulting. I am simply amazed at some of the things I see on there, and NO I am not talking about the Craig's List killer. I am speaking of the mindless tadpoles that put up job ads such as this:

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Looking For Writer for 10 Research Intensive Articles Per Week

I am looking for an experienced writer, with a large portfolio of publications written for, to write 10 articles for my blog every week. They will all be on different topics, about 600 words each, and should be loaded with researched info. A good writer can bang these out in a day or two of full-time writing.

Compensation: No pay, but what I can offer you is exposure on my blog, and possibly a link back to a site of your choosing (non-commercial)
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Incredibly, this ad is not unique at all, there are many ones like it in all kinds of occupations.

Okay, well, are you ready to read the email I wrote him in response?

Warning: Adult language ahead, bunnies under 13 must be accompanied by a human slave to continue.

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Dear Scrotum Fungus,

I first want to let you know that I practice Voodoo, and once even turned my penis inside out like they do in the Amazon tribes. So I am no joke when it comes to spells and brews of the more devious nature. I even once casted a spell that made Harry Potter heterosexual for a whole week. What does this all mean to a generous man like you? Well, I made a doll in your image, a Voodoo doll. Sort of like how God made Jesus in his image, the only difference being that Jesus wasn't a douchebag. At the conclusion of this email, I shall commence pricking the prickly Voodoo doll with my favorite prickly sewing needles, and maybe even my rolling pin, in an effort to disable your ability to post anymore job ads on Craig's List.

Oh wait, for it to even be called a job it must offer a monetary compensation. I guess you won't be posting in that category anymore. Aside from basically giving you free quality written articles, is there anything else that the lucky writer you hire needs to provide you with? I mean, seriously, I can even give you a kidney if you need it. I am in the giving mood, your generosity has made me feel all Christmasy, in September no less. If you shall find yourself in further need, by all means let me know, I would be willing to dig up my Great Great Grandmother so I can snag her 3 gold teeth that she was buried with.

Seriously though, I could go box Mcnuggets and wrap cheeseburgers at McDonald's, and I would be making 8 dollars per hour more than if I was "hired" by you for your shitty blog. Plus, I get to McStuff my fat McFace with all the free McFood I can eat. Do you at least offer that? Can you possibly mail me a few White Castle burgers when I conclude my "assignments" for the week? I guess I would have to pay the shipping on that though.

The "great exposure" promise you offer the prospective slave is as hollow as your head. I did the metrics for your blog, and it totally blows. I could get more exposure by posting my writing under a rock on Mars, than I could get by donating my writing to your bullshit site.

Get this point clearly: People don't work for free, regardless of what Barney The Purple Dinosaur told you. We have a barter system in the U.S. called "currency," where a skilled person can perform work for a company or individual, and then receive "currency" for it. (Also known as 'Money') Then the country can build what is called an "economy."

I hope you actually do get someone to donate their free time for your site, only I hope that someone is an escaped mental patient from Bellvue that develops a "crush" on you, if you catch my drift.

Craig's List has many spam filters, but it is obvious that their retard filter needs to be calibrated just a hair. Take care. Oh, did I already mention that your blog blows? Okay, just making sure. Thanks. Send everyone my love.
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Well, after I wrote this to him, all three of his listings have been "removed by author." Surprise, surprise. Good riddance.

2 comments:

  1. HAH! All too familiar. Back in my writing days (NYU Journalism and a short time thereafter), no job would hire you even for a paid internship unless you could show five years of experience. So, you basically had to freelance (for free) or do an unpaid internship for five years before you could make a living. at which time, you'd be dead.

    Still, I can see writing for a legit publication like the Times for just the exposure, but some jerkwad's blog? Yeah thanks. Good luck with that, buddy.

    Good luck out there, Jim. Thanks for the laugh.

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  2. I turn down those enticing offers all the time too. Who the hell do I think I am? I'll tell u what I'm not -- stupid!! I had a shitty week so I appreciate the laugh! Thanks Jim.

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