The Bun Life - Fran Responds To "Disaster Plan" Post

I just got this in my inbox from Baby Fwan. I always wonder how annoying it must be for her to type, I bet she constantly hits the CAPS LOCK key by accident with her dew claw. Hey maybe it is "do claw" and not "dew claw" because it is there for them to "do" something with, like press the CAPS LOCK key, on purpose I mean. Unlikely, yes, but possible. Anyway, oh yeah, Frannie's email:

Dear Jim (Is it spelled j-i-m or g-y-m?),

Read your post about the disaster plan. Honestly, I don't see what is so funny about it, you talk about us like we are the laughing stock of the whole neighborhood. Maybe Thumper is because he is so stupid, but don't group us together just because we sleep under the same couch together. The relationship is totally tectonic, or is it hooked on phonics? No, wait, I think it is platonic, right? Which one means 'I am attracted to this bun by negative 5000%'? I think it is platonic. Anyway, just out of curiosity, can you fill in a blank for me and tell me exactly what happens between you "getting the stun baton" and "picking me up unconscious"? You scare me, I hope those are empty threats.

So yeah, we all basically think that, in the event of a disaster, we are totally screwed. Not only because you decided to adopt 9 trillion bunny rabbits, but your severely limited intelligence makes it virtually impossible. Not to mention El Dumbo over here, he would jump off a bridge if I told him to. But we can't give up Gym, if we do then the terrorists win, so lets keep our Terror Alert Level at yellow for now, and we can play it by year, or is it by ear?  Oh whatever, this English language is a pain in the ass.

Best,

BF ::(

The Bun Life - Disaster! Are You Prepared? Do You Have a Disaster Plan??

Ads on TV and in magazines keep saying that it is absolutely imperative that you have a disaster plan all laid out, just in case of a ..well….disaster. I surfed around online and talked to some people here and there just to see if any of them had their disaster plan all set and ready to go, just in case, and quite a few of them said that they did and that it doesn’t have to be very complicated, it just needs to have everyone agreeing on what to do, where to go, etc. I decided that I needed one of ‘dem ‘dare plans, and asked for a copy of one of theirs to use as a reference. Here is the plan they gave me:

1. If possible, find out where everyone is, and set a plan to reacquaint as soon as possible.
2. Figure out what is going on, if need be, turn on TV or radio to see if there is a broadcast.
3. Gather emergency kit (blankets, batteries, coats, medicine, food, etc.).
4. Figure out where danger resides and head in the opposite direction if you can, bring reserve gas for car if operable.
5. Travel until safe, temporarily at least, then decide on long term objective.

This sounds real straight forward, and I imagine that my plan would look just like this; of course, I mean if I didn’t have 3 bunnies that is. However, let’s face it, I do have 3 bunnies. So I drew up my own disaster plan, one which accommodates my exact situation.

1. Find out where immediate family is.
2. Wake up Fran and Thumps, will most likely need to turn the couch over to get them up.
3. Chase Sydney around the bedroom for 15 minutes until I can grab him, move the Fort Knox of gates and pens I have in the bedroom so I can get Syd out.
4. Get both carriers out from the different closets.
5. While holding Syd, place fresh towels on the bottom of each carrier, dark color for Syd, light for the other two.
6. Get some hay from the closet and place some on top of the towels in each carrier.
7. Attach a water bottle to each carrier with clips, etc.
8. Stuff Syd into his carrier and close it.
9. Go into living room and place Frannie’s and Thumper’s carrier in the center of the room with the door open.
10. Wait the 2 seconds until Thumper climbs in and lies down.
11. Pretend that I am going in the bathroom and hide around the corner to see if Fran will fall for it and hop in carrier.
12. Once she doesn’t go in, chase her around the apartment for 30 to 45 minutes.
13. Get the Stun Baton from the closet, and approach Fran.
14. Pick Frannie up while she is still unconscious, and stuff her pumpernickel ass into the carrier with Thumps.
15. Gather some medicines for the rabbits, like Revo and Simethicone, etc.
16. Pack up some bags of pellets, and a bag or two of fresh hay.
17. Start washing different greens for the rabbits. Let them dry, then pack the greens.
18. To avert boredom and endless chewing, be sure to pack up one of those Cottontail Cottages.
19. Cut out a small section of the couch to calm Frannie if she should get homesick.
20. Pull the car around.
21. Put some antiseptic on all the claw wounds from the bunnies.
22. Bandage up wounds.
23. Pack Syd in the front seat.
24. Strap and buckle in Syd’s carrier.
25. Pack Frannie, Thumps, and the 43 bags of rabbit supplies into the back.
26. Attach a trailer in order to store the gates, playpens, cardboard boxes, and cages for the buns.
27. Load the trailer with all of the pens and stuff.
28. Strap and buckle in Frannie’s and Thumper’s carrier.
29. Attach sign to back bumper that reads, “Caution: We Brake for Buns at All Railroad Crossings”
30. Pray to god that spending 31 hours packing the bunnies up doesn’t eat up any chance we had of surviving.

Alrighty then, not exactly the fast action, simple plan that I expected, you think it is a tad too long? Gee, I hope I never have to use it!

The Bun Life - MSNBC's New Show "To Catch a Predator" Remix Idea

On occasion I find myself watching the "To Catch a Predator" series with MSNBC's Chris Hanson, you know, the one where they pose as 13 year old kids and see who is willing to come over their house to have sex with them. Yeah, that one. The fact that these guys want to have sex with young teenage girls doesn't surprise me a whole lot. After all, most of us have our first sexual experiences when we are that age, so it is natural to want to recapture that moment, notice how I said "want" to recapture it, and not "willing to show up at a 13 year old kid's house intent on having sex with her. Memories and fantasy, and reality, in this type of situation are far different.  A percentage of these guys are ill and don't posses the restraint normal healthy people have, that fine line between reality and fantasy is blurred for them. Then you have the percentage of them that are all around scumbags and predators, which is a large percentage unfortunately. To be honest, I was shocked at how many of these guys actually can convince themselves to go through with this. Society's exploitation of young people I feel contributes to the aberration of these guys, everywhere you look you see underwear ads with 14 and 15 year old girls/boys posing in provocative poses. Why would the companies do that? There is only one reason that makes any sense, they know that sex sells and they are pushing their brand with the sex vehicle, anything else is pure bullshit.

The sheer volume of willing participants that show up at these places is mind boggling. These guys are willing to risk EVERYTHING, family, friends, money, jobs, freedom, and anything else just to have that outside chance of a face to face encounter and real experience. That saddens me, I do admit I love watching their face change when the camera crew comes out, uh-oh, life's about to change drastically huh?

NOTE ADDED: I browsed the archives for a couple hours about all the different guys they have caught, man a lot of these guys are downright scary, amazing how after all the individual stings that there is a growing interest and willingness to chance a meeting by these pervs. Thank god I have no children.

2ND NOTE ADDED: Holy shit, just saw the one where the Indian guy stripped and walked in naked asking to watch the teen have sex with the cat with Cool Whip. Its a good thing this guy isn't crazy, otherwise who knows what other shit he woulda brought to the house. I think that guy owns an Amoco by me, or 7-Eleven, or some other terrorist franchise that keep cropping up. Now I wonder what kind of job prospects that guy will have in the US after all this. I imagine he might find some resistance in the job market. Maybe he could include some clips of him chasing down the cat with his willy hanging out on MSNBC. I am sure some terrorist cell or Amoco/Mobil/7-Eleven would be eager to hire a go getter like that, just don't let him bunny sit.

So obviously most of you reading this will understand perfectly why this segment belongs in a rabbit blog, right? Of course. Rabbits and Cho-Mo's go together like biscuits and gravy, wait the biscuit girl told me she was 31, that cake I bought her in my car is for her "31st" Birthday, not her 13th Birthday like you think, I got the 3 and the 1 mixed up, I am Dis Lexus I think, or bass ackwards, I forgot which.

So, the point of my post, I got to thinking how I could work the rabbit angle into this. I got the idea of Baby Fwan starting her own show and sting operation, she would call it "To Catch a Picker Upper". Bare with me here, be brave. Baby Fwan and I would troll (new word I learned in Serial Killer class, it is short for "patrolling", Christ, I am sharp ain't I?) the web and we would try to lure men/women over to my apartment by promising them a face to face meeting with Baby Fwan, and here is where the felony part comes in, we would promise them a chance to pick up Baby Fwan AT WILL. Scandalous I know, but extreme measures require extreme ..uhh...bunnies..I guess?? Anyway, I would portray Baby Fwan, be the decoy kinda, and tell them how fat and fluffy I am with a "sensuous pumpernickel coat" and all. Who could resist at that point? I might even throw up some pics of BF when she wasn't so fat. Then when the chumps get here, I would tape them picking up Baby Fwan, then confront them with the rest of the troops. Then call all their friends back home and show them how they have the brass pair to come to a strange bunny's house and just pick her up without at least wining and dining her first. Bastards!! I am gonna write the pilot tomorrow, right after I get my Prozac adjusted, and NO, this has NOTHING to do with it!!

The Bun Life - Poor Thumps is a Paranoid Schiz

Been awhile since I posted last, but I do that for a reason. I hate reading someone’s blog who writes just to throw anything up to make the blog feel like a daily active blog. If I don’t have anything funny to write, or am just not feeling the groove, I will wait until I do. Anyway, that is my two cents. Now, let’s get down to business and talk about what really is important in life:  wabbits. Well, not just any rabbit, but the white pillow that disguises itself as bunny named Thumps. I swear, if you pet his fur, he is pure albino white lop and has the softest plush coat I have ever seen (well, there was that European chick I dated a while back, but that is irrelevant).

Anyway, being an albino, Thumps scans the room all day long, and reacts to all of the things he thinks he sees. In humans this is called “friggin delusional psycho”. Thumper does have one other strike against him and that’s a horrible illness called “Stupidity”. Poor Rumpus, I love him to death, but it seems we caught the illness in the farthest most advanced stage. It could be terminal, which means that Thumps would suffer from chronic dumbness for the remainder of his life. This has been causing me great pains in my stomach, oh wait that was only gas.

So, to make a real short story long and drawn out, my power went out last night for like 20 minutes, I thought it might be a blown fuse, but I had Frannie check the fuse box and to test every switch for continuity with her Radio Shack electronics tool set. She did, wasn’t the fuse box, at least I think that is what she said, it is tough to understand her sometimes with that heavy Italian accent. So here I am with my bunnies in the pitch black. I go out to my car and get my heavy duty MAG lite flashlight so I can see what I am doing until my eyes can adjust fully. 

It didn’t take me long to realize the strange behavior Thumps was exhibiting. He was chasing the target areas which I shined the flashlight on all over the room. He was running laps around the room, and every time he chased it he would do a half-assed binky, kind of like a practice type binky. I immediately shutoff the flashlight when I saw the impact it was having on Thumps……….NOT! Yeah Right, I decided to squeeze this rare moment for all it was worth, I had poor Thumps doing cartwheels, backflips, and he even “Walked Like an Egyptian” for a while. Then when he tired down I shut the flashlight off, would you believe that the second I shut the flashlight off the power came back on? Talk about ironic huh?

The whole time this was happening, Baby Fwan watched in amusement. Those two are like 2 peas in a pod, 2 musketeers,  2 ships passing in the night (one ship would be handsome, but dumber than dirt; and the other ship would have an ugly paint job, different colored parts from different types of ships, the whole crew would be scared of getting picked up, etc. lol.