The Bun Life - Frannie Feeling Under the Weather

Hey all. I woke up this morning and Frannie and Thumps were running circles waiting for the pellets as usual, and they both ate. However, I walked by the enclosure a few hours later, and Frannie was doing the loaf of bread pose in the litterbox. Right away, I knew something was off, I know my girl and she never does that. I handed her a carrot, and she didn't want it. Then I really got worried. I called my friend Catherine, we decided I could give her a little simethicone, which I gave her 1cc of. I then massaged her belly for a good hour, all the while Frannie looking at me, "Can you please just leave me alone already?" She was moving around after that, a little inactive, so I gave her some time to rest, maybe she was just full or something. Could have been a little gas bubble or something. I walked by them again earlier, and they were bouncing around, begging for a carrot, which they both ate one, so that made me feel a whole lot better, naturally :). I am just grateful she is not sick.

The Bun Life - New Column Debuts "Dear Baby Fwan," Issues Flying Off The News Stands!

We here at The Bun Life are so very excited to finally sign Dr. Baby Fwan Hippowitz (I really just mean Baby Fwan) to our staff. Baby Fwan will be authoring a column called "Dear Baby Fwan," which follows the same format as Dear Abbey and others like it. As a matter of fact, you are now reading the first installment. Each week, BF will answer 1 or more questions from viewers (or readers) that send in fan mail, email, or just start talking about us behind our back. So, without further a due (or is it 'a dew', 'adew', or even 'ah-doo'??) here is this week with DBF:

Fan Mail Question: "Dear Baby Fwan, I am hoping you can help. You are so knowledgeable, courageous, and an inspiration to us women, I read your column all the time. My problem is my husbun. He is a typical man, sleeps all day, leaves the lid up on the litterbox, and is downright aggressive at dinner time. He is a control freak also, he won't even let me leave our enclosure, he even put a large fence up around the whole thing made of metal! Isn't that bunny-napping or something? I feel unloved, I know that is typical of English lops, but I am trying not to be racist or judgmental. I tried to get a restraining order against him, but the courts said we were "bonded" and the clerk said I was "S-O-L" but I don't know what that even means. What should I do Baby Fwan??" Love always, Precious in Seattle


Baby Fwan Responds


Dear Precious,

Sorry to hear about your whatever, must be tough. How could you read my column all the time if this is the first one? Something tells me you're blowing smoke up my 'tocks. Anyway, honey you need to get your own identity. Ever hear the old saying, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything?" Me neither. Anyway, men are always going to be fat, lazy slobs who think about one thing and one thing only: yup, CARROTS! Ever hear the old proverb about the stick and the carrot? Me neither, but I hear it is pretty cool, and basically says you can get anybun to do anything by using a combination of punches and carrots. Pretty cool right? You have to get out of this relationship, maybe you could fake being barbered? Does he have any life insurance? Without knowing every detail it is hard for me to give you specific answers. I encourage you to write back to me again and divulge some of this stuff to me. Who knows, maybe we can run away together, somewhere where we are free to roam without getting picked up. Ahhh, a girl can dream can't she?

BF

The Bun Life - Tocks?!?!?!?!?

I was gallivanting through the whispering willows of my favorite bubbling Big Apple bunny blogs when I came across this picture of Sogna on Lisa's blog. Aside from it being the most adorable thing EVER, I was curious as to what in the world Tocks were. Well, even though I am horribly out of the loop and out of date on the latest hipster bunny lingo, (Banana Butts, Tocks, etc.) I realize Tocks are bunny toes, which reside on the feet of the bunny, which are also called Hocks, thus theoretically speaking the consonant letter T was fastidiously substituted for the consonant letter H in a feeble attempt to be hip and cool while showing extensive knowledge of the Lagomorph anatomy. Gosh, I hate it when people make things so complicated!

Anyway, what drew me to this subject, aside from the Bigfoot toes Sogna has, (you wouldn't believe how bad Sogna's feet were when she was rescued, even one of her Tocks had to be amputated.) was how weird Frannie's feet were. Incredibly, Frannie has webbed feet! Seriously, she has no toes, I'll have to get a good pic of them so you can see. I spoke with the Genetics professor at our local St. Joseph's College, even sent him a sample of Baby Fwan's hair for advanced DNA genetic profiling (not just the run of the mill genetic profiling, ADVANCED genetic profiling, which is way better, in fact the regular genetic profiling totally sucks!) and the results were astounding.

Actually, first he sent the sample back saying that there must have been some mistake because all that was in the tube was a piece of wire from a Brillo Pad, with a piece of Pumpernickel bagel on the end of it. I assured him that it was Frannie's hair, and that what he got was just a Frannie feather, so I sent it back and he analyzed it for me. He says that Frannie is 35% Duck!!?? That totally explains the webbed feet, maybe even the cowlick she gets! He also said the other 65% is a mixture of nearly every species on the planet. I still don't know where she gets the detachable ears from, but that might never be known definitively anyway. So Fran doesn't have Tocks, kind of sad actually in a way, but I am over it already. Uh oh, Frannie climbing on the ceiling again, gotta go!

The Bun Life - I Like To Read Stories Like This

Hello, all! I just got an email via RSS from the Best Friend's Animal Shelter website that chronicles a nice two-bunny adoption by an eleven-year old girl Kristen and her family. I know what you're thinking, girl adopts bunny, not exactly front-page news, right? However, a lot about the story made me feel good, which is rare for a news piece. It wasn't an impulse decision, the parents made their daughter do her homework (which she did, from my understanding), and they all took everything into consideration before adopting. As someone who has volunteered for rabbit rescue before, and has done multiple pre-adoption home visits, I can say that these type of adoptions are always the most successful. I mean for everyone, including the bunny. Don't get me wrong, it is fine if only one member wants the bunny, but the chances of a happy adoption go up if the whole family is on-board.

So two dew-claws up for Kristen and her family! I know this may seem out of place, but if you ever want another bunny I have a black and white Pumpernickel bunny that I am trying to get rid of. She is really a great rabbit, you can't approach her or pick her up, or come near her in any way, and she tears and chews up everything you own, but aside from that she is a real doll. If you're interested I can FedEx her to you overnight. Don't worry, I'll poke some holes in the box. She'll be fine, hopefully. Anyways, don't feel pressured, seriously, as long as you can give me an answer in the next 24 hours, but don't feel pressured by any means, okay? Good luck with your two though, I'm going to sew up my love seat, good night!

The Bun Life - Happy Jolloween!

Let me begin by first saying how much I absolutely HATE Halloween! Seriously, I do. Also, I have new upstairs neighbors now. The new people are WAY different than the amateur porn star couple that moved out. What moved in is Satan's in-laws. It is a couple in their thirties, the gangster type, with their underwear sticking out of their pants. Look, I love hip-hop music too, and if you grew up in Compton then I agree you are probably made of roofing nails. However, when you are a skinny white kid from the posh suburbia-heaven ghetto of Dix Hills, acting like the streets raised you is downright ridiculous looking. Anyway, Snoop Dogg and his Gangsta Hoe have like 80 kids, and they all wear platforms filled with concrete, and they sound like they have a Riverdance Instruction school that runs from 2AM to 1AM the next night, for the one hour they aren't open they are playing tag team wrestling and skydiving off the bed onto the floor, where I hear every bump, tap, slam, and heel stomp like it is beamed directly into my ear cavity. These kids must stay up all night drinking coffee and snorting No-Doz because I here them pounding and kicking and slamming all f*&^&*in night and day, EVERY night and day. I have become almost immune to it lately. I don't want any problems. I know kids will be kids so there is only so much Snoop can do. After all, there is 80 of them. How the hell do they have so many kids? I did the math, according to mine and Frannie's calculations, she must've had her first kid when she was 4. Yeah, not possible, back to the drawing board I guess. Hey, maybe they were like Gremlins and ate some fried chicken after Midnight, and then multiplied 79 times? Who knows.

The buns are great! We are getting all ready for Halloween. I have big plans. Frannie is gonna wash her hair, and then me and her are playing an exhibition Polish Yahtzee marathon with Thumper. We were thinking of doing a Haunted Couch Ride to make some extra money, but the couch is gone so scratch that idea! I am getting a life size picture of Charles Manson, taping it to my apt. door on Halloween, then writing on it "Knock for Candy! Note: I cannot be held liable for ANY sharp instruments found in candy!" That should deter those annoying trick or treaters! Bah-Humbun!

The Bun Life - Male Bunny Pickup Lines

Being a male house rabbit has got to be a tough gig. I mean, it isn’t bad enough you are born scared, but then you have to spend your life chasing girls that don’t want to be chased. For a male bunny to have at least a remote chance of passing on his legacy, he has to be one heck of a good talker. I can only imagine the lines that guy bunnies use on their female counterparts, some of them probably are:

• "I used to get all the chicks, but I wasn't compatible with any of them." (Get it???)
• "Bartender! I’ll have whatever she wants!"
• "I normally don't go out with girls as ugly as you, but at this point I'll take anything with floppy ears and a heartbeat. The heartbeat's optional."
• "Wow! You smell divine, what is that perfume you're wearing? Hay and Urine? Do they sell it at Macy's?"
• [ANY LINES YOU CAN THINK OF?|

Those are just a few that come to mind. See if you can think of anymore to add to the list. Imagine what it is like to be a boy bunny in this hectic house rabbit world they live in., use that for your creative inspiration!

The Bun Life - They'reeeee Baaacccckkkk

As you know, my friends Chris and Lori graciously took my buns for me roughly 2 weeks ago. Well, there was apparently some gross misunderstanding between me and them. Lori called me Tuesday to find out when I would be "picking up the buns," which understandably befuddled me. I don't know where Chris and Lori are from, or what their native language is, but I never said I was "picking up the buns" at all, ever. I asked if I could drop them off, if they would take them, and they said yes. I never said I wanted them back, nor that I intended to pick them up again.

Needless to say, this is an issue. I was all excited and happy to be Bun-free, joyful that I finally put the boot to those darn rabbits, and now this annoying little thing pops up. I tell you, that is the last time I trust so-called "friends". I saw a lawyer today and filed for full, permanent custody of the buns. Only, I filed custody for Chris and Lori, not for me though. So they now have full permanent custody of the three furry loafs of bread, and not me. So technically, they are now "their" buns, and not mine, so how could they argue that I should take their own buns??? Genius, right? I know, I know, I'm gifted, you don't have to tell me.

I promised the buns I would visit them every time we have a Lolar Eclipse. That is when the Sun, Moon, Earth, Mars, and Boise, Idaho all come into alignment near the equator. Hopefully, that will be soon.

Oh by the way, just kidding, the buns are back and are doing splendid. I missed them terribly, but C&L took wonderful care of them, I can't thank them enough. Thanks guys!

The Bun Life - Missing Wabbits & R.I.P. Tango

One of our Bun Life Groupies, Christina from Heartland Bunny Blog and Rabid Tidbits, sadly lost her beautiful bunny Tango on Sunday morning. It was totally unexpected. Christina frequently comments here, and has been one of the most stable readers of The Bun Life, among others. My heart goes out to her and her family.

My bunnies are MISSING! I am doing work in my apartment, and my two friends Chris and Lori, also Bun Life Groupies by the way, are graciously watching my three buns until tomorrow night. A total of almost 7 days or so. I hate being away from them, but I will get them again soon. Thanks goes to Chris and Lori for helping me, they are amazing people, as many bunny rescue people are. 

Every time I go over there, we talk to each other non-stop for hours. The only down side is that neither one of them speaks English. They are from Pumpernickelstan, a real small country with a population of paranoid ugly people that are afraid to get picked up. Imagine that? The state bird is the Pumpernickel Swallow, named so because it can't swallow. Not a clue how it eats. Just kidding of course :) They speak perfect English. I am glad they are there, a real life saver for me.

The Bun Life - All New Bun Life Groupie Badge

Shazzie, a Bun Life Groupie, inspired me to create an official badge for the groupies of Bun Life. Here it is:

Nice huh? Make sure you wear it on your blog and/or Facebook page!!

The Bun Life - Banana Butt Caught on Camera by Shazzarazzi!!

A new Bun Life groupie, Shazzie, has done me the finest honor of filming her bunny Nutmeg (who is incredibly gorgeous by the way) doing the Banana Butt. Before I comment on it, here is the clip for your viewing pleasure:

Awwwww! That is too funny. I love how she zooms in on the butt for a close-up, that is classic! Poor Nutmeg, compromising her dignity for her banana addiction. Gee, I hope the other bunnies don't find out, then it will be all over school, and before you know it the damn thing will be up on YouTube! Then she'll NEVER get a job  for Fran's sake! Uh oh, too late!!