The Bun Life - Fran Responds To "Disaster Plan" Post

I just got this in my inbox from Baby Fwan. I always wonder how annoying it must be for her to type, I bet she constantly hits the CAPS LOCK key by accident with her dew claw. Hey maybe it is "do claw" and not "dew claw" because it is there for them to "do" something with, like press the CAPS LOCK key, on purpose I mean. Unlikely, yes, but possible. Anyway, oh yeah, Frannie's email:

Dear Jim (Is it spelled j-i-m or g-y-m?),

Read your post about the disaster plan. Honestly, I don't see what is so funny about it, you talk about us like we are the laughing stock of the whole neighborhood. Maybe Thumper is because he is so stupid, but don't group us together just because we sleep under the same couch together. The relationship is totally tectonic, or is it hooked on phonics? No, wait, I think it is platonic, right? Which one means 'I am attracted to this bun by negative 5000%'? I think it is platonic. Anyway, just out of curiosity, can you fill in a blank for me and tell me exactly what happens between you "getting the stun baton" and "picking me up unconscious"? You scare me, I hope those are empty threats.

So yeah, we all basically think that, in the event of a disaster, we are totally screwed. Not only because you decided to adopt 9 trillion bunny rabbits, but your severely limited intelligence makes it virtually impossible. Not to mention El Dumbo over here, he would jump off a bridge if I told him to. But we can't give up Gym, if we do then the terrorists win, so lets keep our Terror Alert Level at yellow for now, and we can play it by year, or is it by ear?  Oh whatever, this English language is a pain in the ass.

Best,

BF ::(

The Bun Life - Disaster! Are You Prepared? Do You Have a Disaster Plan??

Ads on TV and in magazines keep saying that it is absolutely imperative that you have a disaster plan all laid out, just in case of a ..well….disaster. I surfed around online and talked to some people here and there just to see if any of them had their disaster plan all set and ready to go, just in case, and quite a few of them said that they did and that it doesn’t have to be very complicated, it just needs to have everyone agreeing on what to do, where to go, etc. I decided that I needed one of ‘dem ‘dare plans, and asked for a copy of one of theirs to use as a reference. Here is the plan they gave me:

1. If possible, find out where everyone is, and set a plan to reacquaint as soon as possible.
2. Figure out what is going on, if need be, turn on TV or radio to see if there is a broadcast.
3. Gather emergency kit (blankets, batteries, coats, medicine, food, etc.).
4. Figure out where danger resides and head in the opposite direction if you can, bring reserve gas for car if operable.
5. Travel until safe, temporarily at least, then decide on long term objective.

This sounds real straight forward, and I imagine that my plan would look just like this; of course, I mean if I didn’t have 3 bunnies that is. However, let’s face it, I do have 3 bunnies. So I drew up my own disaster plan, one which accommodates my exact situation.

1. Find out where immediate family is.
2. Wake up Fran and Thumps, will most likely need to turn the couch over to get them up.
3. Chase Sydney around the bedroom for 15 minutes until I can grab him, move the Fort Knox of gates and pens I have in the bedroom so I can get Syd out.
4. Get both carriers out from the different closets.
5. While holding Syd, place fresh towels on the bottom of each carrier, dark color for Syd, light for the other two.
6. Get some hay from the closet and place some on top of the towels in each carrier.
7. Attach a water bottle to each carrier with clips, etc.
8. Stuff Syd into his carrier and close it.
9. Go into living room and place Frannie’s and Thumper’s carrier in the center of the room with the door open.
10. Wait the 2 seconds until Thumper climbs in and lies down.
11. Pretend that I am going in the bathroom and hide around the corner to see if Fran will fall for it and hop in carrier.
12. Once she doesn’t go in, chase her around the apartment for 30 to 45 minutes.
13. Get the Stun Baton from the closet, and approach Fran.
14. Pick Frannie up while she is still unconscious, and stuff her pumpernickel ass into the carrier with Thumps.
15. Gather some medicines for the rabbits, like Revo and Simethicone, etc.
16. Pack up some bags of pellets, and a bag or two of fresh hay.
17. Start washing different greens for the rabbits. Let them dry, then pack the greens.
18. To avert boredom and endless chewing, be sure to pack up one of those Cottontail Cottages.
19. Cut out a small section of the couch to calm Frannie if she should get homesick.
20. Pull the car around.
21. Put some antiseptic on all the claw wounds from the bunnies.
22. Bandage up wounds.
23. Pack Syd in the front seat.
24. Strap and buckle in Syd’s carrier.
25. Pack Frannie, Thumps, and the 43 bags of rabbit supplies into the back.
26. Attach a trailer in order to store the gates, playpens, cardboard boxes, and cages for the buns.
27. Load the trailer with all of the pens and stuff.
28. Strap and buckle in Frannie’s and Thumper’s carrier.
29. Attach sign to back bumper that reads, “Caution: We Brake for Buns at All Railroad Crossings”
30. Pray to god that spending 31 hours packing the bunnies up doesn’t eat up any chance we had of surviving.

Alrighty then, not exactly the fast action, simple plan that I expected, you think it is a tad too long? Gee, I hope I never have to use it!

The Bun Life - MSNBC's New Show "To Catch a Predator" Remix Idea

On occasion I find myself watching the "To Catch a Predator" series with MSNBC's Chris Hanson, you know, the one where they pose as 13 year old kids and see who is willing to come over their house to have sex with them. Yeah, that one. The fact that these guys want to have sex with young teenage girls doesn't surprise me a whole lot. After all, most of us have our first sexual experiences when we are that age, so it is natural to want to recapture that moment, notice how I said "want" to recapture it, and not "willing to show up at a 13 year old kid's house intent on having sex with her. Memories and fantasy, and reality, in this type of situation are far different.  A percentage of these guys are ill and don't posses the restraint normal healthy people have, that fine line between reality and fantasy is blurred for them. Then you have the percentage of them that are all around scumbags and predators, which is a large percentage unfortunately. To be honest, I was shocked at how many of these guys actually can convince themselves to go through with this. Society's exploitation of young people I feel contributes to the aberration of these guys, everywhere you look you see underwear ads with 14 and 15 year old girls/boys posing in provocative poses. Why would the companies do that? There is only one reason that makes any sense, they know that sex sells and they are pushing their brand with the sex vehicle, anything else is pure bullshit.

The sheer volume of willing participants that show up at these places is mind boggling. These guys are willing to risk EVERYTHING, family, friends, money, jobs, freedom, and anything else just to have that outside chance of a face to face encounter and real experience. That saddens me, I do admit I love watching their face change when the camera crew comes out, uh-oh, life's about to change drastically huh?

NOTE ADDED: I browsed the archives for a couple hours about all the different guys they have caught, man a lot of these guys are downright scary, amazing how after all the individual stings that there is a growing interest and willingness to chance a meeting by these pervs. Thank god I have no children.

2ND NOTE ADDED: Holy shit, just saw the one where the Indian guy stripped and walked in naked asking to watch the teen have sex with the cat with Cool Whip. Its a good thing this guy isn't crazy, otherwise who knows what other shit he woulda brought to the house. I think that guy owns an Amoco by me, or 7-Eleven, or some other terrorist franchise that keep cropping up. Now I wonder what kind of job prospects that guy will have in the US after all this. I imagine he might find some resistance in the job market. Maybe he could include some clips of him chasing down the cat with his willy hanging out on MSNBC. I am sure some terrorist cell or Amoco/Mobil/7-Eleven would be eager to hire a go getter like that, just don't let him bunny sit.

So obviously most of you reading this will understand perfectly why this segment belongs in a rabbit blog, right? Of course. Rabbits and Cho-Mo's go together like biscuits and gravy, wait the biscuit girl told me she was 31, that cake I bought her in my car is for her "31st" Birthday, not her 13th Birthday like you think, I got the 3 and the 1 mixed up, I am Dis Lexus I think, or bass ackwards, I forgot which.

So, the point of my post, I got to thinking how I could work the rabbit angle into this. I got the idea of Baby Fwan starting her own show and sting operation, she would call it "To Catch a Picker Upper". Bare with me here, be brave. Baby Fwan and I would troll (new word I learned in Serial Killer class, it is short for "patrolling", Christ, I am sharp ain't I?) the web and we would try to lure men/women over to my apartment by promising them a face to face meeting with Baby Fwan, and here is where the felony part comes in, we would promise them a chance to pick up Baby Fwan AT WILL. Scandalous I know, but extreme measures require extreme ..uhh...bunnies..I guess?? Anyway, I would portray Baby Fwan, be the decoy kinda, and tell them how fat and fluffy I am with a "sensuous pumpernickel coat" and all. Who could resist at that point? I might even throw up some pics of BF when she wasn't so fat. Then when the chumps get here, I would tape them picking up Baby Fwan, then confront them with the rest of the troops. Then call all their friends back home and show them how they have the brass pair to come to a strange bunny's house and just pick her up without at least wining and dining her first. Bastards!! I am gonna write the pilot tomorrow, right after I get my Prozac adjusted, and NO, this has NOTHING to do with it!!

The Bun Life - Poor Thumps is a Paranoid Schiz

Been awhile since I posted last, but I do that for a reason. I hate reading someone’s blog who writes just to throw anything up to make the blog feel like a daily active blog. If I don’t have anything funny to write, or am just not feeling the groove, I will wait until I do. Anyway, that is my two cents. Now, let’s get down to business and talk about what really is important in life:  wabbits. Well, not just any rabbit, but the white pillow that disguises itself as bunny named Thumps. I swear, if you pet his fur, he is pure albino white lop and has the softest plush coat I have ever seen (well, there was that European chick I dated a while back, but that is irrelevant).

Anyway, being an albino, Thumps scans the room all day long, and reacts to all of the things he thinks he sees. In humans this is called “friggin delusional psycho”. Thumper does have one other strike against him and that’s a horrible illness called “Stupidity”. Poor Rumpus, I love him to death, but it seems we caught the illness in the farthest most advanced stage. It could be terminal, which means that Thumps would suffer from chronic dumbness for the remainder of his life. This has been causing me great pains in my stomach, oh wait that was only gas.

So, to make a real short story long and drawn out, my power went out last night for like 20 minutes, I thought it might be a blown fuse, but I had Frannie check the fuse box and to test every switch for continuity with her Radio Shack electronics tool set. She did, wasn’t the fuse box, at least I think that is what she said, it is tough to understand her sometimes with that heavy Italian accent. So here I am with my bunnies in the pitch black. I go out to my car and get my heavy duty MAG lite flashlight so I can see what I am doing until my eyes can adjust fully. 

It didn’t take me long to realize the strange behavior Thumps was exhibiting. He was chasing the target areas which I shined the flashlight on all over the room. He was running laps around the room, and every time he chased it he would do a half-assed binky, kind of like a practice type binky. I immediately shutoff the flashlight when I saw the impact it was having on Thumps……….NOT! Yeah Right, I decided to squeeze this rare moment for all it was worth, I had poor Thumps doing cartwheels, backflips, and he even “Walked Like an Egyptian” for a while. Then when he tired down I shut the flashlight off, would you believe that the second I shut the flashlight off the power came back on? Talk about ironic huh?

The whole time this was happening, Baby Fwan watched in amusement. Those two are like 2 peas in a pod, 2 musketeers,  2 ships passing in the night (one ship would be handsome, but dumber than dirt; and the other ship would have an ugly paint job, different colored parts from different types of ships, the whole crew would be scared of getting picked up, etc. lol.

The Bun Life - A Fwan in the Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush...err...Under the Couch I Mean

Baby Fwan is incredible I tell you. She is absolutely brilliant as far as rabbits go. She knows exactly what she can do, what she can't, what she should get Thumper to do first, when I am in "pick her up" mode, and when I am doing something else. Like tonight for example, she and Thumps were laying by the TV, pretty much welded to one another. I was cleaning up around them, at times I was even picking up stuff right near them. Walking by, the whole nine yards, and I tell you Frannie didn't so much as move a muscle, or even an earlobe. I scratched her ears and pet her head. Then I thought that now would be a good time to brush Frannie. So, doing nothing different, I walked into the kitchen and got out my towel, which the buns are at least 20 feet from me by now and blocked by the wall. I waltz out into the living room and what do I see? Now there is only ONE bunny..yup..Tumps. Frannie all but packed up and took a flight to Brazil by now.

So I commit a cardinal sin. I lift the couch up. Once that happens, it is game on. I don't care who you are, you ain't catching her, it is absolutely impossible. If I am really determined, I might be able to pen her in after about 30 minutes. Not only does she know EVERY inch of my apartment, but she knows exactly what my weaknesses are. She knows what I am willing to do, and what I am not willing to do. Perfect example, I have her cornered into a hallway area that has one of those Cottontail Cottages there. She is under the cottage, staring at me. Once I get too close, she will dart out, right at me! Why? Because she knows that yes, I will try and snatch her, but I will not force the issue. If she starts to scramble while I am holding her, I am not gonna risk her getting hurt or anything, so I let go. She knows this, and uses this against me, BAD FWAN!! The more you insist on doing something, the more she insists that she ain't doing it. Now Tumps, to get him all you have to do is draw an X on the floor and say, "stand there please" and he'll be like, "Durr, okay, here??" Now why can't Baby Fwan be like that?

In all honesty, I wouldn't change a thing about her, she is an amazing animal. Well, I would get rid of her couch fetish if I could, but that's it. You would never know just by meeting her a few times, but if you watch the things she does, extremely intelligent. If there was a Navy Seals for bunnies, Fran would be like their Black Ops agent or something.

The Bun Life - Gene Mutation,Stem Cell Research,etc.

I was watching some show the other night about gene mutation and similar stuff. One scientist thinks in the future that you will be able to pick the kind of baby you want to have the best chance at getting, and they make the necessary adjustments in a test tube. almost like going to the deli in the AM and getting breakfast. "Yeah, hmm, I think I am gonna get a Baby Boy Harvard Law Package, is it compatible with the NASCAR driver mods? Great, ring it up, I mean ring him up."

Of course my mind wanders to what sorts of things I could do with bunnies and gene mutation. First and foremost, I would want to microscopically separate the pumpernickel bagel chromosome from the rabbit chromosome, so that Baby Fwan can have a shot at being just a normal kid again, I mean bun again.

Then I was hit by some flash visions. The best way to describe it is the movie remake of The Fly with Jeff Goldbloom (<<< spelling?) where he has two chambers and he tries to teleport from one to the other, but accidentally lets a house fly into the chamber with him. Thus, he becomes part fly, part man, also known as a "Flan". Wow, even sounds like Fran, this was meant to be, John Edwards told me so.

Of course, my experiment would not be to merge 2 life forms, but to separate. I would have subject A, Baby Fwan, hop into the left chamber, then hit the button marked "Depumpernickelization Process Start", at this point if Baby Fwan could talk she would likely say, "I don't know what is going on here, but whoever is in that other booth when I transport over, better not even think about picking me up, okay?"

The objective is to transport Frannie, minus the pumpernickel, to the destination portal. Knowing my luck, Fwan would remain the same, but then we would have pumpernickel bagels with wings flying all over the house. You know what they say, "You can take the Fwan out of the Pumpernickel, but You Can't the Pumpernickel out of the Fwan."

The Bun Life - Signs Up All Over The Apartment???

I came home last night, and the whole neighborhood was plastered with this sign:

Who could have done such a thing? Witnesses did say that, the night before, they could've sworn they saw a pumpernickel bagel running around with a clipboard and a stapler. Very weird.

The Bun Life - Urgent! Question for All Of You Legal Buffs

Now, I want to make something very very clear, I am ONLY asking hypothetically now. Meaning that none of what I say has actually happened, I am only assuming and hypothetically posing questions for non-existant situations.

What if I had a friend, who had a little dwarf bunny, lets say a brown one, that was mentally ill. What if, hypothetically, my friend went to pour this bunny's pellets into his food dish, and something bad happened. I don't know, just for pretend sake, lets say that this mentally ill bunny waited until I....I mean my friend was finished pouring the pellets in Syd...I mean in the bunny's food dish and then lunged at m..my friend and bit him on the pinky.

Lets say that happened to me, I mean to my friend, and what if hypothetically speaking, my friend absolutely lost it, tied the bunny to the inside of his cage, and is now feeding him with a slingshot. I know, its crazy, but hey you never know right? I was just wondering, would I...my friend be prosecuted? What if the bunny was posessed by the undead spirit of my..my friend's ex-girlfriend? Would that knock a few years off the sentence you think?

Don't get alarmed now, this was just a hypothetical situation, any advice would be good so I could use it during my, I mean advise my friend during his trial.

Thanks for your help.

The Bun Life - Life's a Fwan, and Then You Die!

I recently read somewhere that you can tell how much a blog owner cares about his readers by looking at how often he updates. Hmm. Okay, now that we got that out of the way. Anyway, things have been tough, I have been so busy I haven't had even a minute to writ......oh whatever, I am lazy and really couldn't be bothered to get off my ass and write about these furry bunny rabbits, okay?!!! Wabbits are NOT that exciting, people, what do you expect from me?? I mean do you really need a day by day account of what Baby Fwan does? Okay, for those of you who are SO curious about Fwan's schedule, here is a list of Tweets for Baby Fwan's last week:

Monday: Got up, avoided dumbbell's face humps, crawled under couch and slept the rest of the day.

Tuesday: Got up, ate half a couch cushion, used the toilet, crawled under the couch.

Wednesday: Got up........

Okay, well you get the point here. Frannie ain't no Tweeting Twoublemaker like the rest of you Tweeple. All this hype about Facebook, Twitter, and Linked In is driving me and the bunnies nuts. I saw a company website the other day, the company makes metal bearings and washers for some industrial machinery. Under neath their "About Our Company" link (which I am willing to bet my spleen has never been clicked) they had their Twitter and Facebook links. "Check us out on Facebook!"

Okay, am I the only one who is noticing this? Facebook updates?? For a bearings company? What on earth could they possibly say on there that would mean a rat's ass to anyone on this side of the universe?? Twitter updates?? What would they be?

"Hey I just took a dump, now I am gonna go polish my bearings"

or

"Hey guys, this is the most boring job on earth, gonna go guzzle the rest of the Drano in the bathroom, say hi to my BFF for me!"

or

"Hey, great news guys! Those new washers just came in! I had to tell you on Twitter here, I just couldn't keep something of this magnitude a secret the whole day! OMG! My BFF just FBI'd the CIA and now she has the KGB on her ROFLMAO!"

Note to companies that are in the business of doing something BORING, you are NOT allowed to have a Facebook or Twitter page, it is a new law. We are gonna call it "Frannie's Law", any donations will go directly to the Frannie Feathers Research Foundation, a great organization that is conducting cutting edge research to find the cause of Frannie's 24-hour cowlick. Such a noble cause, brings tears to my eyes, oh wait, no, that is just my allergies.

Times have been hard on me and the Babbits (slang for Bunny Rabbits) lately. Poor Frannie, she was laid off last week from her first job as a "Bunny Sitter." I think it might have been my fault. You see this lady said she was going out of town and asked me if we could bunny sit for her. Sure!, Why not, Fran has never had a real job before, she just collects disability checks (section 209 says that Fran was too ugly to have a job) from the government.

So I went to the lady's house and dropped Frannie off, told her to watch the bunnies, that she was now in charge of them, and as a bunny sitter she was ultimately responsible for the bunnies. I only later realized that the lady wanted ME to be the bunny sitter, not Frannie. Well, long story short, I was sued in court for $20,000 worth of furniture damage.

So Frannie's not only out of a job, but now she was turned down for unemployment benefits. We filled out all the paperwork, followed all the rules, and submitted her application. I got the notice in the mail the other day, we thought it would be her unemployment check, but it was a note from the social worker down there. It was very brief and just simply said:

"Application for unemployment benefits denied, rabbits don't get unemployment you fu***ng jerk!"

I took it pretty hard, we are gonna have a moment of silence, under the couch, in Frannie's honor.

You Know The Job Market Sucks When....

I've been surfing Craig's List for months now looking for some additional part-time work in either writing, copywriting, Oracle work, or SEO consulting. I am simply amazed at some of the things I see on there, and NO I am not talking about the Craig's List killer. I am speaking of the mindless tadpoles that put up job ads such as this:

---------------------------------
Looking For Writer for 10 Research Intensive Articles Per Week

I am looking for an experienced writer, with a large portfolio of publications written for, to write 10 articles for my blog every week. They will all be on different topics, about 600 words each, and should be loaded with researched info. A good writer can bang these out in a day or two of full-time writing.

Compensation: No pay, but what I can offer you is exposure on my blog, and possibly a link back to a site of your choosing (non-commercial)
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Incredibly, this ad is not unique at all, there are many ones like it in all kinds of occupations.

Okay, well, are you ready to read the email I wrote him in response?

Warning: Adult language ahead, bunnies under 13 must be accompanied by a human slave to continue.

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Dear Scrotum Fungus,

I first want to let you know that I practice Voodoo, and once even turned my penis inside out like they do in the Amazon tribes. So I am no joke when it comes to spells and brews of the more devious nature. I even once casted a spell that made Harry Potter heterosexual for a whole week. What does this all mean to a generous man like you? Well, I made a doll in your image, a Voodoo doll. Sort of like how God made Jesus in his image, the only difference being that Jesus wasn't a douchebag. At the conclusion of this email, I shall commence pricking the prickly Voodoo doll with my favorite prickly sewing needles, and maybe even my rolling pin, in an effort to disable your ability to post anymore job ads on Craig's List.

Oh wait, for it to even be called a job it must offer a monetary compensation. I guess you won't be posting in that category anymore. Aside from basically giving you free quality written articles, is there anything else that the lucky writer you hire needs to provide you with? I mean, seriously, I can even give you a kidney if you need it. I am in the giving mood, your generosity has made me feel all Christmasy, in September no less. If you shall find yourself in further need, by all means let me know, I would be willing to dig up my Great Great Grandmother so I can snag her 3 gold teeth that she was buried with.

Seriously though, I could go box Mcnuggets and wrap cheeseburgers at McDonald's, and I would be making 8 dollars per hour more than if I was "hired" by you for your shitty blog. Plus, I get to McStuff my fat McFace with all the free McFood I can eat. Do you at least offer that? Can you possibly mail me a few White Castle burgers when I conclude my "assignments" for the week? I guess I would have to pay the shipping on that though.

The "great exposure" promise you offer the prospective slave is as hollow as your head. I did the metrics for your blog, and it totally blows. I could get more exposure by posting my writing under a rock on Mars, than I could get by donating my writing to your bullshit site.

Get this point clearly: People don't work for free, regardless of what Barney The Purple Dinosaur told you. We have a barter system in the U.S. called "currency," where a skilled person can perform work for a company or individual, and then receive "currency" for it. (Also known as 'Money') Then the country can build what is called an "economy."

I hope you actually do get someone to donate their free time for your site, only I hope that someone is an escaped mental patient from Bellvue that develops a "crush" on you, if you catch my drift.

Craig's List has many spam filters, but it is obvious that their retard filter needs to be calibrated just a hair. Take care. Oh, did I already mention that your blog blows? Okay, just making sure. Thanks. Send everyone my love.
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Well, after I wrote this to him, all three of his listings have been "removed by author." Surprise, surprise. Good riddance.