The latest issue of Woman’s Day magazine has shocked the house rabbit community to its very core. My name is Ludwig Van Weinershnitzel, and I am a veteran reporter for Woman’s Day magazine. As a journalist who only does stories that make a real impact on the world, I think it was divine intervention that ultimately led me to an extraordinary woman, well a female bunny really, with an extraordinary story of survival. One that I thought was absolutely…yup, extraordinary.
Due to a pending criminal investigation, I cannot tell you her full name, but we will refer to her as Baby Fwan, or Frannie. In August of last year, Frannie was walking alone at night, in a badly lit area by the entertainment center, when she was violently and suddenly attacked. I think the best way to tell you the details are from the horse’s mouth, or at least an ugly bunny that looks like a horse:
“One of my hocks went flat, and the area was really dark and desolate. If it wasn’t for the Dog Whisperer coming on the TV, I wouldn’t have been able to see a thing. I had a feeling someone was stalking me, watching my every move (I’ve been told by good friends that I am always like this but I don’t see it). As I came up on an entertainment center, I ran to the front doors and pounded on them, hoping that someone would open the door, but help never came.
Out of nowhere, a big burly human man appeared from my right. He had the drop on me, and blind-sided me, grasping me with his monstrous hands while PICKING ME UP off the ground! I was freaking out, trying to grab the attention of any passersby. I thought I saw my ex-boyfriend for a second, but he took one look at the situation and ran off to hide. Some boyfriend huh? I can’t believe that nobody had the common sense to at least call 911. The assailant, who was later identified as Jim through a paper trail of hay purchases and pizza delivery receipts, wouldn’t let me go even as I pleaded with him. I told him that he could clip my nails, brush my coat, anything but just not to PICK ME UP AGAIN! Like the criminal he is, he just had no reaction.
Eventually I escaped when he put me down, thankfully. I reported the incident to the nearest Police Station, but the cops were real jerks. They treated me as if I was criminal. They asked heartless questions like, “What were you wearing?” Which of course I told them I only had my pumpernickel fur jumpsuit on, and that even if I dress up as a pumpernickel bagel it doesn’t mean anyone has the right to just pick me up at random!! They asked me to take a polygraph, which I failed because I chewed up all the wires and leads. Boy, they were really pissed off about that.
They kept me in the station for hours, grilling me with accusations and doubts, even tried to beat me with a phone book, but I peed on it before they picked it up. Thank god I had the presence of mind to be that clever. In the end, I identified my attacker, Jim, and he was sentenced to 90 days in jail, only being allowed out once a day to come feed us and change our litter boxes.
Since my harrowing ordeal, I have learned a lot about myself that I never knew before, such as being able to eat a whole bag of carrots and still leave room for pellets. I even started a Picked Up victim’s rights group in my area, and found out that I am not alone; many female bunnies are picked up every day in this world, and we need to start mandatory sentencing for these monsters, or else the whole bunny community is unsafe. Even though I am doing great, I am still more paranoid than ever, never crossing the living room by the entertainment center again. Hopefully, I will continue to grow and learn from this, and it would help to speak at least a little English, but who’s counting?”
Wow, what a story. Actually, I meant what a STUPID story!