The Bun Life - Gene Mutation,Stem Cell Research,etc.

I was watching some show the other night about gene mutation and similar stuff. One scientist thinks in the future that you will be able to pick the kind of baby you want to have the best chance at getting, and they make the necessary adjustments in a test tube. almost like going to the deli in the AM and getting breakfast. "Yeah, hmm, I think I am gonna get a Baby Boy Harvard Law Package, is it compatible with the NASCAR driver mods? Great, ring it up, I mean ring him up."

Of course my mind wanders to what sorts of things I could do with bunnies and gene mutation. First and foremost, I would want to microscopically separate the pumpernickel bagel chromosome from the rabbit chromosome, so that Baby Fwan can have a shot at being just a normal kid again, I mean bun again.

Then I was hit by some flash visions. The best way to describe it is the movie remake of The Fly with Jeff Goldbloom (<<< spelling?) where he has two chambers and he tries to teleport from one to the other, but accidentally lets a house fly into the chamber with him. Thus, he becomes part fly, part man, also known as a "Flan". Wow, even sounds like Fran, this was meant to be, John Edwards told me so.

Of course, my experiment would not be to merge 2 life forms, but to separate. I would have subject A, Baby Fwan, hop into the left chamber, then hit the button marked "Depumpernickelization Process Start", at this point if Baby Fwan could talk she would likely say, "I don't know what is going on here, but whoever is in that other booth when I transport over, better not even think about picking me up, okay?"

The objective is to transport Frannie, minus the pumpernickel, to the destination portal. Knowing my luck, Fwan would remain the same, but then we would have pumpernickel bagels with wings flying all over the house. You know what they say, "You can take the Fwan out of the Pumpernickel, but You Can't the Pumpernickel out of the Fwan."

The Bun Life - Signs Up All Over The Apartment???

I came home last night, and the whole neighborhood was plastered with this sign:


Who could have done such a thing? Witnesses did say that, the night before, they could've sworn they saw a pumpernickel bagel running around with a clipboard and a stapler. Very weird.

The Bun Life - Urgent! Question for All Of You Legal Buffs

Now, I want to make something very very clear, I am ONLY asking hypothetically now. Meaning that none of what I say has actually happened, I am only assuming and hypothetically posing questions for non-existant situations.

What if I had a friend, who had a little dwarf bunny, lets say a brown one, that was mentally ill. What if, hypothetically, my friend went to pour this bunny's pellets into his food dish, and something bad happened. I don't know, just for pretend sake, lets say that this mentally ill bunny waited until I....I mean my friend was finished pouring the pellets in Syd...I mean in the bunny's food dish and then lunged at m..my friend and bit him on the pinky.

Lets say that happened to me, I mean to my friend, and what if hypothetically speaking, my friend absolutely lost it, tied the bunny to the inside of his cage, and is now feeding him with a slingshot. I know, its crazy, but hey you never know right? I was just wondering, would I...my friend be prosecuted? What if the bunny was posessed by the undead spirit of my..my friend's ex-girlfriend? Would that knock a few years off the sentence you think?

Don't get alarmed now, this was just a hypothetical situation, any advice would be good so I could use it during my, I mean advise my friend during his trial.

Thanks for your help.

The Bun Life - Life's a Fwan, and Then You Die!

I recently read somewhere that you can tell how much a blog owner cares about his readers by looking at how often he updates. Hmm. Okay, now that we got that out of the way. Anyway, things have been tough, I have been so busy I haven't had even a minute to writ......oh whatever, I am lazy and really couldn't be bothered to get off my ass and write about these furry bunny rabbits, okay?!!! Wabbits are NOT that exciting, people, what do you expect from me?? I mean do you really need a day by day account of what Baby Fwan does? Okay, for those of you who are SO curious about Fwan's schedule, here is a list of Tweets for Baby Fwan's last week:

Monday: Got up, avoided dumbbell's face humps, crawled under couch and slept the rest of the day.

Tuesday: Got up, ate half a couch cushion, used the toilet, crawled under the couch.

Wednesday: Got up........

Okay, well you get the point here. Frannie ain't no Tweeting Twoublemaker like the rest of you Tweeple. All this hype about Facebook, Twitter, and Linked In is driving me and the bunnies nuts. I saw a company website the other day, the company makes metal bearings and washers for some industrial machinery. Under neath their "About Our Company" link (which I am willing to bet my spleen has never been clicked) they had their Twitter and Facebook links. "Check us out on Facebook!"

Okay, am I the only one who is noticing this? Facebook updates?? For a bearings company? What on earth could they possibly say on there that would mean a rat's ass to anyone on this side of the universe?? Twitter updates?? What would they be?

"Hey I just took a dump, now I am gonna go polish my bearings"

or

"Hey guys, this is the most boring job on earth, gonna go guzzle the rest of the Drano in the bathroom, say hi to my BFF for me!"

or

"Hey, great news guys! Those new washers just came in! I had to tell you on Twitter here, I just couldn't keep something of this magnitude a secret the whole day! OMG! My BFF just FBI'd the CIA and now she has the KGB on her ROFLMAO!"

Note to companies that are in the business of doing something BORING, you are NOT allowed to have a Facebook or Twitter page, it is a new law. We are gonna call it "Frannie's Law", any donations will go directly to the Frannie Feathers Research Foundation, a great organization that is conducting cutting edge research to find the cause of Frannie's 24-hour cowlick. Such a noble cause, brings tears to my eyes, oh wait, no, that is just my allergies.

Times have been hard on me and the Babbits (slang for Bunny Rabbits) lately. Poor Frannie, she was laid off last week from her first job as a "Bunny Sitter." I think it might have been my fault. You see this lady said she was going out of town and asked me if we could bunny sit for her. Sure!, Why not, Fran has never had a real job before, she just collects disability checks (section 209 says that Fran was too ugly to have a job) from the government.

So I went to the lady's house and dropped Frannie off, told her to watch the bunnies, that she was now in charge of them, and as a bunny sitter she was ultimately responsible for the bunnies. I only later realized that the lady wanted ME to be the bunny sitter, not Frannie. Well, long story short, I was sued in court for $20,000 worth of furniture damage.

So Frannie's not only out of a job, but now she was turned down for unemployment benefits. We filled out all the paperwork, followed all the rules, and submitted her application. I got the notice in the mail the other day, we thought it would be her unemployment check, but it was a note from the social worker down there. It was very brief and just simply said:

"Application for unemployment benefits denied, rabbits don't get unemployment you fu***ng jerk!"

I took it pretty hard, we are gonna have a moment of silence, under the couch, in Frannie's honor.

You Know The Job Market Sucks When....

I've been surfing Craig's List for months now looking for some additional part-time work in either writing, copywriting, Oracle work, or SEO consulting. I am simply amazed at some of the things I see on there, and NO I am not talking about the Craig's List killer. I am speaking of the mindless tadpoles that put up job ads such as this:

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Looking For Writer for 10 Research Intensive Articles Per Week

I am looking for an experienced writer, with a large portfolio of publications written for, to write 10 articles for my blog every week. They will all be on different topics, about 600 words each, and should be loaded with researched info. A good writer can bang these out in a day or two of full-time writing.

Compensation: No pay, but what I can offer you is exposure on my blog, and possibly a link back to a site of your choosing (non-commercial)
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Incredibly, this ad is not unique at all, there are many ones like it in all kinds of occupations.

Okay, well, are you ready to read the email I wrote him in response?

Warning: Adult language ahead, bunnies under 13 must be accompanied by a human slave to continue.

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Dear Scrotum Fungus,

I first want to let you know that I practice Voodoo, and once even turned my penis inside out like they do in the Amazon tribes. So I am no joke when it comes to spells and brews of the more devious nature. I even once casted a spell that made Harry Potter heterosexual for a whole week. What does this all mean to a generous man like you? Well, I made a doll in your image, a Voodoo doll. Sort of like how God made Jesus in his image, the only difference being that Jesus wasn't a douchebag. At the conclusion of this email, I shall commence pricking the prickly Voodoo doll with my favorite prickly sewing needles, and maybe even my rolling pin, in an effort to disable your ability to post anymore job ads on Craig's List.

Oh wait, for it to even be called a job it must offer a monetary compensation. I guess you won't be posting in that category anymore. Aside from basically giving you free quality written articles, is there anything else that the lucky writer you hire needs to provide you with? I mean, seriously, I can even give you a kidney if you need it. I am in the giving mood, your generosity has made me feel all Christmasy, in September no less. If you shall find yourself in further need, by all means let me know, I would be willing to dig up my Great Great Grandmother so I can snag her 3 gold teeth that she was buried with.

Seriously though, I could go box Mcnuggets and wrap cheeseburgers at McDonald's, and I would be making 8 dollars per hour more than if I was "hired" by you for your shitty blog. Plus, I get to McStuff my fat McFace with all the free McFood I can eat. Do you at least offer that? Can you possibly mail me a few White Castle burgers when I conclude my "assignments" for the week? I guess I would have to pay the shipping on that though.

The "great exposure" promise you offer the prospective slave is as hollow as your head. I did the metrics for your blog, and it totally blows. I could get more exposure by posting my writing under a rock on Mars, than I could get by donating my writing to your bullshit site.

Get this point clearly: People don't work for free, regardless of what Barney The Purple Dinosaur told you. We have a barter system in the U.S. called "currency," where a skilled person can perform work for a company or individual, and then receive "currency" for it. (Also known as 'Money') Then the country can build what is called an "economy."

I hope you actually do get someone to donate their free time for your site, only I hope that someone is an escaped mental patient from Bellvue that develops a "crush" on you, if you catch my drift.

Craig's List has many spam filters, but it is obvious that their retard filter needs to be calibrated just a hair. Take care. Oh, did I already mention that your blog blows? Okay, just making sure. Thanks. Send everyone my love.
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Well, after I wrote this to him, all three of his listings have been "removed by author." Surprise, surprise. Good riddance.
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