I spoke to Frannie about this, and she told me, in Portuguese, that when it comes down to it, me and her are just too different. This upset me greatly, especially since right after she said that, she hopped by me and splashed one of her hocks in the water bowl, thus squirting me with a shot of water right up my pant leg! Anyway, I went to a private bun counselor who specializes in mitigating bunny/couch/human relationships, and she said that if I wanted to get back in Baby Fwan's good graces, I would have to bridge the gap of differences between us, in theory, be more like her, be more like a bunny rabbit, do what she does. Then she will see me as an intellectual equal, thus further developing and sustaining the complex diabolical relationship that has manifested itself under my couch. That's the theory anyway, but as you may well know, theory rarely proves to be fact, especially with bunnies.
I set out to be more like Fwan this past week. What a nightmare it turned out to be. The first day, I tried sleeping under the couch with Thumps and Fwan during the day, but my job called and said I had to work and would have to hold off on sleeping under the couch until tomorrow, so much for that. Plus, I hit my head 15 times and got a furniture staple driven right into my toenail. Then, when I had to use the potty, I setup a hay box in the cage on the top shelf, with some hay and newspaper in it to make me more comfortable, you should have seen me trying to squeeze myself into that tight cage, but then when I finished, I realized that both Thumps and Fwan were looking at me like I was nuts. This certainly wasn't having the desired affect. Baby Fwan was going out of her way to avoid me now. 3 days ago, Frannie ran across the living room carpet and jumped in the air and did a binky where she threw her back legs out and twisted her whole body. Wanting to make an impression, I decided to try a binky of my own. I lined up in the corner of the room and ran as fast as I could towards the middle in a diagonal pattern, just when I got to the coffee table, I jumped up and threw my back legs out, but instead of doing a binky, my legs slammed into the vacuum cleaner, fracturing my pinky toe, and spun around, fell backwards and broke my ass on the coffee table. The whole table shattered and a splinter stabbed me right in the kidney. I had to go to the hospital, and while I was in the hospital bed a nurse came over to me and was asking me how I was doing. Still wanting to be like Fwan, I jumped off the bed and ducked under one of the surgical tables, and wouldn't come out for a half hour. To show my distrust of the nurse, I thumped my right foot, but fractured another toe doing so, and had to be recast.
Fwan hasn't said a word to me since, she just sits there eating hay and shaking her head, like, "What an idiot!"
Anyway, hungry as a beast , I finally get to the front of the line, and the kid asks me what would I like. Well, I looked at the menu for about 15 minutes and then turned to him and said, "I would like to leave, bye!" then I walked out. Why? Who the hell designed this menu, Martians? I like food, real food, not this crap. Here is their menu, the best I can recall it, some things have been changed to protect the identity of the source:
Baked Peanuts coated with charred butterjam
Bowl of Warm Water covered with Cheesecloth
Bread and Water Pudding
Sun Dried Granola Dipped in Bleu Cheese
Artichoke & Tomato Paste with Boiled Strips of Iceberg Lettuce Between Two Large Wafers
Hard Tack, Dill Pickle and Jelly Beans on Pumpernickel Bread
Soft Serve Mayonnaise Cone (Great for the Kids)
Triple Layered Yeast Cake Coated With Confection Sugar and Baby Powder
Our Very Own "Jock Sock" Tea with NutraSweet
Dishwater Rootbeer Float, with Lemons
Who the hell eats granola for dinner?? Yeah that is what I want after a hard days work on the farm, a nice big chunk of granola, ooh my mouth is watering, and not because I am hungry but I am about to hurl!! Panera's blows!!
- We're not getting a stupid bunny.
- Ok, one bunny, because he is so cute.
- No more bunnies, that's it.
- Well, he needs a "girlfriend" right? Ok one more.
- Wow, what a fat bunny, and uuuggggly to boot!
- Boy she sure isn't people friendly, maybe she will loosen up a little.
- Wow, she does love going under that couch, seems to appreciate the upholstery as well.
- Hmmph, came home today an she was grooming the armrest of the couch, how cute?
- Well, she may live under the couch, but at least she doesn't live ON the couch.
- Holy Christ! What the hell happened to my couch!!!??? Fwaaaaannnnn!!
Anyway, the day came that she was to report to the camp, Frannie was not excited about going, obviously. It took me 3 hours to stuff her into the carrier. We talked about how the place would benefit her and that it was for her own good, but Fwan doesn't speak English so the conversation was pretty one-sided. I dropped her off at the camp, after only 3 days there was a knock at my door and sitting there, right outside my door, was a DHL package. I opened it up and it was Baby Fwan! There was a letter from the camp in the box also, it read:
"Dear Jim, inside this box is Fwannie, Fran, or whatever the hell stupid name you call her. You will also find a check for the full refund amount (less shipping). Fran doesn't fit our requirements here at the camp, she is absolutely the biggest pain in the rumpus we have ever met. First off, we put her on a strict diet because she was too fat, and on the second night of her stay we found 27 "Couchocolate" bars in her suitcase. It is a candy bar which is basically couch stuffing coated with chocolate. Where did she ever get such a ridiculous habit from? Anyway, we try to do group activities with all the buns, but Fran zips right under the nearest piece of furniture and won't come out for NOTHING! We try to lure her out with the candy bars but she was having none of it. Not only that, but the first night she slept here she lost one of her "detachable" ears. Since when are bunnies ears detachable? Fran said that her ears have a mind of their own and do what they want, when they want. Also, we have reports of Frannie demanding that the other rabbits give her a manicure??? She said that you do her nails almost every week, is that true?? Jim, don't you have any sort of a life?? Do your bun a favor, and leave her the hell alone for a minute, she needs to grow and meet other buns her own age. Frannie also wouldn't eat anything besides Oxbow pellets. Well, you must be rich, but we ain't, so she had to eat whatever we gave her. Oh, and that reminds me, every single time we opened the refrigerator, Fran would run right up to us and sit down like a puppy, waiting for a carrot I guess. This is unacceptable, she made the other buns feel less worthy. So here, you can have your Fran back, by the way she looks like a loaf of pumpernickel bread."
So, as all 4 of you can see, it is no wonder why Baby Fwan hates me. All I wanted was for her to learn some important life lessons, but now I am stuck with an angry and vengeance filled bun. I feel so guilty!
I can't believe this, I never thought she would do this to me. I should've guessed that the way Tiger Woods gets around, he would eventually make it under my couch to scoop up Baby Fwan. Lord have mercy.
Told you! She could be sound asleep stuffed under a box in the corner, but as soon as I lift my butt of that couch, zoom! She is in that cage. So, in order to pick her up, I have to sneak up on her, or do a superman leap from a sitting position on the couch. Don't laugh, it's true! All I have to do is get a hand in front of her and she stops cold! LOL. Then I can scoop her up and hug her for 29.83 seconds. Hey, you do crazy things when you're in love ::))
Okay, well my experience was a little bit of a twist on this idea. A German scientist Juran Von Weinerschnitszel invented Electronic Bunny Voice Phenomenon, where you basically record bunnies doing their daily thing (for my bunnies, that means absolutely nothing) and then playing it back half speed to hear whatever. So, I dragged out my recorder, and walked over to Baby Fwan as she was lying down in the middle of the living room, and placed the recorder next to her for about 5 minutes.
Anyway, afterwards, I picked up the recorder, and rewinded the tape all the way. I then hit play and slowed it down to half speed. I practically shat myself when I heard what was on there, all I could hear was a female ghoulish voice saying over and over again, "Die.......Die.......Die......Die!" What the hell is going on with my poor Baby Fwan! Is she posessed??? I would call a priest, but the last one over here tried to get Fwan to convert, and she bit his big toenail off!
All I know is that I am sleeping in the bathtub tonight, that black and white furry lop scares the hell out of me!
From the Law Office of Pursley, Pellits and Hayes
This is ridiculous! I am so tired of these bunnies! All day I gotta slave for these furry bastards and what do I get for it? Supbeonas!! I am having Baby Fwan arrested for domestic violence, I will just say that she threatened me! This is not over BF, not over by a long shot.
So, the point is that Thumper is often spooked, a little more so than your average bun. One thing I happened to notice about Thumps, and bunnies in general, is that when they are eating hay in their litter box and get spooked, they jump and run away to a corner or something, but they never spit out the hay that they were eating, ever notice that? It's like, yeah I was scared enough to run, but not scared enough to spit out this delicious piece of hay I was eating.
So what does this tell us? I tell you what I think, I think they are fibbing. Yup, I said it, fibbing. I don't think they are really spooked when they do that, I think it is just something they do to play around, or to "practice" getting the hell out of Dodge. Kind of like when tiger cubs practice predatory skills with there brothers and sisters; it is a survival skill that needs to be honed. I think the same thing holds true for bunnies, they need to practice avoidance. Poor bunny rabbits, just because they are in a house now and away from any kind of danger, doesn't change their genetics. So the next time your bunny scoots across the room and hides under the couch for no reason, you can rest assured that all they are doing is practicing.
One more thing that is bugging me. I know bunnies don't have knees, but what if they did? What if they did, and Frannie hurt her knee. It would sound so weird answering the vet's questions and telling her that the problem is "Frannie's knee", or even the singular sound like "Fran's knee" will sound like "Fransnee". Boy that would be ridiculous. I would have to change her name for the duration of her knee injury, just to enhance communication between me and the vet.
Boy, is this blog retarded or what?
1. Saving All My Love For Fwan - by Whitney Houston
2. Hungry Fwan - from the movie Dirty Dancing
3. You Give Fwan a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
4. Fwan Bites - by Def Leopard
5. Can You Feel The Couch Tonight - by Elton John
6. How Do You Talk To a Fwan Fwan - by The Heights
7. The Power of Hay - by Celine Dion
8. Fwannie in a Bottle - by Christina Aguilera
9. I Would Do Anything For Fwan (But I Won't Move Out) - by Meatloaf
10. Nothing's Gonna Change The Pellets I Give You - by Glenn Medeiros
So there you have it, the absolute stupidest paragraph of text you have ever read, to date anyways.
So I sit down to work and I glance over at the door, and who is there, eating a carrot AND staring at me?? Baby Fwan is right. I felt bad and gently explained to her that I was much older and that we could never be a couple, due to the fact of the age difference, and that someday she would make some couch very happy indeed. Well, she stared at me the rest of the night, so I am worried that she might be posessed, maybe by the spirit of my dead couch!!.